SCHEDULE FOR FINALS WEEK…

 (OTHERWISE KNOWN AS OMFG I’M NOT GOING TO GET A WINK OF SLEEP UNTIL THURSDAY NIGHT OH GOD OH GOD I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS DAMMIT)

MONDAY…

-in the morning at some random-ass time: SURPRISE HOUSE SHOWING VIA LANDLORDS!

-also in the morning: study, research for lit crit paper

-12:30PM: soup kitchen

-the rest of the day: study/work on paper/drink coffee like a mad fiend

-also: attempt sleep

TUESDAY…

-6:00AM: plasma donation

-8:00-10:00AM: study/drink coffee like a mad fiend

-10:30AM: Spanish FINAL

-12:00PM: eat a piece of bread while doing something productive (studying, writing) at the same time

-and then: go to store to buy dish detergent and cat food

-and then: go to Recycled Books and hope that a cheap copy of Fingersmith will appear in the next 24 hours

-and then, for the rest of the evening: write history essay and take history exam

-and then, if there’s still more time: work on lit crit paper (due Thursday), online English paper and study for online English exam (both due Wednesday)

-and then?: ………….sleep? :’(

WEDNESDAY…

-6:30AM: catch commuter bus to Lewisville area near Petsmart/ dollar theater/ Vista Ridge Mall

-8:00AM: on-boarding for new job at Petsmart

-while in Lewisville area: perhaps walk over to Half Price Books and check to see if copy of Fingersmith is available (and, if not, get copy in Barnes N Noble before leaving Lewisville area for Denton)

-afternoon and evening: devoted to online English paper, online English exam, lit crit paper, and French exam (wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf)

-maybe sleep

THURSDAY…

-6:00AM: plasma donation

-8:00-8:50AM: study/ drink coffee like a mad fiend for French final

-9:00AM: French FINAL

-in the morning at some random-ass time: SURPRISE HOUSE SHOWING VIA LANDLORDS!

-1:00PM: turn in lit crit paper

-Thursday evening: *collapse*

FRIDAY IS ZOMBIE DAY.  I REFUSE TO DO ALMOST ANYTHING THAT DAY BUT VEG AND SLEEP.

-in the morning at some random-ass time: SURPRISE HOUSE SHOWING VIA LANDLORDS!

-AND THEN: ????

-and then: meet up with Liz?

THE WEEKEND WILL BE DEVOTED TO MORE SLEEPING, MAKING MONEY, CLEANING, AND PACKING.

AS OF NEXT THURSDAY I WILL BE MOVING MY SMALLER THINGS AND STUFFS TO FLOWER MOUND AND WILL OFFICIALLY BE A RESIDENT OF FLOWER MOUND FROM THAT DAY ON.   THE BIG ITEMS WILL BE MOVED VIA U-HAUL SOMETIME BETWEEN CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS.

So Wednesday (tomorrow) is going to be a bitch.  I think I’m going to attempt to get more done tonight in order to make tomorrow a bit less of a royal pain in the ass.

They Couldn’t Think of Something to Say the Day You Burst

Feeling better today.  “Comfortably numb.”  xD  Still kind of thinking about the whole situation but I’m kind of in this “whatever, moving on” mode now.

Saw the new Harry Potter movie today.  Will possibly talk about that in a different post in case I say something spoilery (though, REALLY, if you read the frikin’ book first…).

I go in for the usual drug testing at my new job tomorrow.  Which means I’m basically hired.  :)  Unfortunately it means spending one more night sleeping over here on the couch and missing my Mana (who luckily has aunt Elissa to look in on her).  I miss her cuddly purring warmth.  :<

One more thing I’m not going to look forward to while living in this house: my mother’s definition of “cold” starts about ten degrees lower than the rest of us.  Like, 60F is comfortable-in-a-tank-tee-and-shorts-inside to her, while for me it’s more around 70-72F.    :/  Even worse, all the heat in the house starts by circulating through her room so once she’s warm enough or too warm, that’s it.   I’m going to be wearing jackets and layers and whatnot inside the rest of this winter.   NOT a tank and shorts.  xD  Howell.  I made this choice.

One thing I definitely AM looking forward to:  seeing  Lindsay, and soon.  It’s been about nine months since last time, when I managed to get down there via bus.  ….and last time she was freakishly tired, taking care of a newborn and all. This time she’s like “I’ll frikin’ come up there in my car and pick you up if I need to, but we NEEEEEEED to hang out!”  And behold: she’s been kind of already setting such plans into motion, totally self-inspired and everything.  Aha.  Lindsay.  Always awesome, and totally a “get things done” kind of person when she wants to be, far more than me. And she’s as excited to see me as I am her. xD  So I get to see my godson and my Lindsay.  That’s more than I could hope for.

I’ve been distracted by lots of pleasant nostalgia this last week.  Mostly, about Lindsay and Melody, with a scattering of others.  It all started when I rummaged through my memory box and old journals a few days ago, getting everything organized and ready for my move.  I read old entries and old notes and old pictures and remembered all sorts of wonderful things.  And it soothed me.  It made me feel better about life right now, in spite of all the stupid feelings of distance and loss I’ve been feeling lately.  Because I am grateful for what I DID have, and what I STILL have.  And I know all of those things mean something, too… not just to me, but to the dear people I shared them with.  And that shit just can’t be ripped away from me because it’s a part of me… and it always will be a part of me.  :)

I should prolly do some studying for my final next week, but I kind of want to, you know, just numbly veg.  Maybe exercise.  Maybe read.  Don’t know.

Also I apologize for my crappy writing abilities lately.  My head’s been all blalaaaaarrrggh for some reason, so I’ve been, you know, writing in more conversational and random manner, more than usual.   Blargh.  xP

The Truth Is…

I’m moving back in with my parents, but I really don’t want to. My family’s more chaotic than I am and I am quieter than they are and more prone to rational discourse over irrational yelling than they are and I’m more sensitive to disruption than they are and all of these differences really get on my nerves after awhile. But this is the best route to getting a car, I guess, which is the only way I’m going to stop feeling like a burden on anyone anymore…

My mother wanted to see Easy A at the theater tonight, but I really didn’t want to. I really have absolutely no desire to see any movie before I see the Deathly Hallows movie. I know that’s irrational and lame, but the prospect of seeing anything else right now simply does not appeal to me, even if I wouldn’t have to pay for my ticket. I simply would not enjoy it and it would therefore be a complete waste of my time and money. My mother’s bashing of Harry Potter doesn’t exactly make me want to please her by NOT seeing Harry Potter, either.

So I somehow managed to make the premise of my friends’ party as the excuse for not going to the movies tonight. But I’m likely not going to that party anyway. I don’t really feel like soliciting anyone for a ride anymore… I just feel like a burden, extra baggage. And my friends I think are not in the place to go out of their way to even ask me, not even Liz, which I understand, considering: my moods the last few times we’ve all been together likely hasn’t made anyone feel like going out of their way to make sure I’m there, either. I am also in a situation where I really have little to nothing to contribute to the party. So yeah, I’d just be a mooch, a burden, and I think this is finally wearing on everyone’s patience. In short, I currently have NO redeeming qualities. And that makes me feel cheap. And I don’t want to grovel and beg for attention or company. I’m kind of tired of trying and doing that sort of thing right now. If they don’t want me, they don’t want me. I can hardly blame them anyway. I should just shrug it off and except my losses and move on, like the cold and rational adult I should be.

It’s a shame, too. I think I would’ve been in a better mood tonight if I could have gone, too, because I actually got a job offer today, and the job’s actually a pretty sweet deal. I was also just generally feeling pretty damn swell most of this day, independent and owning my own life and totally nonchalant (easy breezy, divorced from all of the negative emotions that have been plaguing me on and off for the last couple of years, and whatnot), rational and unable to be brought down, even if I was also far from euphoric as well (admittedly). I kind of reached this happy functional whatever numb place, somewhere in the middle. Like, it felt like nothing could touch me, and I could just float on that delicate emotion long enough so that no other emotions could touch me, hurt me.

But then I got home and the room project didn’t go as planned and my mother woke up and everyone started yelling at each other and meanwhile the the hour for my friends’ party loomed near and I realized that I wasn’t actually going and I realized I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep up the happy momentum from my job offer for the rest of the night anyway. I now (and still, in spite of the job offer) feel pretty damn cheap, worthless, and abandoned… and dammit, it’s just a really shitty, crappy, fucked up kind of feeling for ANYONE to have, sensitive or not.

So my plans for the evening, I guess, are going to be house chores, homework, a few eps of Legend of the Seeker, and maybe some Maple Story. Meanwhile in my mind I’m sometimes wildly contemplating just leaving everything behind once I get my car and my independence. You know, start out fresh, and make it so I don’t bother anyone again. The problem with that is… I just fucking care too damn much for my own good. I don’t know how to bring myself to just… let people go. That’s such an incredibly hard thing to do. For some reason I can’t bear the thought of never talking to them again, especially… especially some people…

Yeah, I could REALLY use a pick-me-up right about now… instead I’m stuck with this feeling that’s halfway between wanting to cry out for help and wanting to just silently fade away and disappear.

I’m just going to try not to think about it.

(Hopefully things will be better next year.)

EDIT: So I’m reaching that cold, numb place again. Maybe I could stay here long enough to get through all this and turn my life around and all that jazz. Who knows? We’ll see.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I kind of want to go clubbing sometime in the next few months. I don’t crave it often but it’s been awhile. Hmm. Dunno.

And Washed It Away Down the Kitchen Sink

Why yes, it’s been a lil’ bit of time since I’ve written.  It’s nearing the end of the semester and I’ve been busy.  Having no computer at home in the Locust House (where I currently live) complicates things as well.  Also, I’ve been writing quite a lot more by hand.  So yes, it’s been awhile, I suppose.

At the moment I am at my mother and stepfather’s house (I will be referring to it as ”the Canterbury House“), getting ready for sleep.  This weekend I will be going on a few job interviews in town here and also I will be helping Craig clean out the spare bedroom here so I can move in over the holidays (leaving my lovely Denton behind).  Why yes, I decided to take my Mom’s offer and plans are now in motion to get a car mid-to-late January.  In the meantime I will be living here, at Canterbury House in Flo-Mo, saving up my money while benefitting from free wi-fi and minimal rent/bill costs.  But only for a few months.

Currently I am typing on an old Vaio my grandfather gave to my brother.  It is cranky and hellishly sluggish (and so, yeah, no gifs for this entry here), but I guess it’s better than nothing.  I suppose my brother and I will be sharing access to this old device over the holidays.  Additionally I have my iPod to play with, and books and language homework besides. Hell, maybe I’ll even get an invitation/ride to tomorrow night’s Kohl’s Fakkers Christmas party.  Who knows?

I have a few other things I intended to write about, but I don’t really feel like it at the moment.  Tomorrow, perhaps?  I have an interview at 9AM tomorrow (this, technically) morning and I probably should attempt SOME sleep first.  So, farewell and goodnight!

*mad flail*

I’ve filled out apps for pretty much every place within walking distance I could find that would even GIVE me an app (many simply say, “sorry, not hiring and no apps to give”).

I’ve signed-up at temp agencies.

I’ve scoured online job-finding sites and applied to every position I think I could fill, and a few more besides.

I’ve explored plasma donation (but they continue to take their sweet time in signing-off my go-ahead form or whatever).

I’ve called a number of the jobs back while still trying to budget my minutes.  They all act like they didn’t just post online help wanted signs or something.  You know, “I have no idea what you’re talking about or why you’re even wasting your time.”

What the fuck else can I even do?!   GAAAAAAAH!

I just want a new, better-paying, more hours job.  I NEED MORE MONEY.  I’ll frikin’ rake leaves or dig up dirt or whatever I don’t even care.   Anything besides frikin’ prostitution, really (another broke dude at the temp agency today had the audacity to bring this up and say “damn” when I said no).  Yeah, tell me I’m an lazy ass, why don’t you?  When I CAN’T EVEN FIND ANYTHING TO BE A LAZY ASS AND TURN DOWN ABOUT.

*flail*