I Gotta Feeling…

I’m still in a sour mood.

Yes, I know this is my fault.  Yes, I know I need to be doing things to fix it. 

Because, usually I am the one telling other people such. 

But, you see I’m DOING things to fix it.  It’s not like it’s gonna be handed to me on a silver platter.  So don’t say such shit to me or I’ll just ignore the fuck out of you.  Actually, I’m probably going to be doing that anyway.  I’m in hermit mode right now, which means there’s only one of two people I’d be perfectly okay with talking to right now, and neither of them live nearby so the rest of you just SOD OFF.  I’m going to be stupidly angsty right now and I want to be left alone anyway.  Nothing you could so or say could help me or make me feel better.

I think I might just stay in this mood until after the holiday season…

Anywho…

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Today?  I cleaned and rearranged furniture.  :)

See, Angela has already moved out… waaaaaay early.  She likely used the whole near crises of last week as an excuse to panic and abruptly ship out like it’s the end of the world or something.  Maybe she had been wanting to move and just needed an excuse, don’t know.  She left her check and whatnot for the final month, but for all other purposes she really does not live at the house anymore.  I get it.  We all suck as housemates, each in our own way.  She was ready to move on.  I am, too.

Actually, I’m happy now because now I don’t have to deal with her mess (or her choice of company at her choice of time) and ESPECIALLY fail!dog Waffle’s messes (well, except all the pee stains on the carpet in places).   Granted, she took the envelopes (ALL of them, even though I’m pretty damn sure I bought one of those boxes) kind of left with this royal “fuck it” attitude, but still…

 This is a fact I was slow to realize, but today? I realized it.  In a slow, creeping smile kind of way.

Well, I was free this afternoon, so I took a lot of her remaining junk around the house, some big stuff to be thrown out, and some other miscellaneous junk and put it in her mostly empty bedroom.   Taa-daa!  That bedroom is now my official storage room. 

Also…

I put away her blender and other appliances left out in the kitchen that no one’s going to use now that she’s gone.  I cleaned the kitchen halfway (to be completed when I get home tonight), swept debris off the carpets, did a buttload of dishes, rearranged the living room to make use of more space, cleaned out the litter box (my sole responsibility anyway, to be fair),  and so on.  I just need to work on finishing the kitchen and my room these next few nights, and if I get extra spending money the next few days I’ll be buy laundry detergent to do all of the blankets and loveseat covers and whatnot, and the house will be pretty damn spiffy.

After all that, the plan is to keep the house spiffy while also working through the extra miscellaneous junk to see what’s a keeper and what’s not.  I plan to live a much more spartan lifestyle for awhile, aside from art and books, of course (and maybe pillows).  So I want to get some things packed already, and work gradually on packing up.  So, when move time comes around during Christmas week,  I’ll already be pretty damn organized and ready to go.  :)

That said, now that I’m the sole keeper of this house (dog pee carpet and complete lack of dishwasher aside), I’m actually enjoying being at my house again.  For the longest time, only Mana made coming back to the house worthwhile, but now that I’m totally in charge,I almost love it!  It sucks that I’ll have to give this solitary life up for a few months, but I guess I’m lucky to at least get a taste of what I have to look forward to late spring.

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By the way, the plan is this:

1.) Stay in the Locust House until Christmas week.

2.) Quit Jack ‘n’ the Box and move in to Canterbury House (mother and stepfather’s hosue) during Christmas week.  Thoroughly enjoy joblessness and complete temporary lack of the need for personal responsibility and the holidays for the following week WHILE polishing off the move out of Locust House (including cleaning and whatnot). 

3.) Apply for local jobs near Canterbury House OR within decent driving distance (set start date until end of January).  Granted, this is going to be an awkward job hunting time because of the end of the temp season, but we’ll see what turns up.

4.) Use savings, $ ma owes me, and extra loan money for school to buy a decent junker mid to late January.  In other words, BUY A FRIKIN’ CAR.

5.) Start school and, if haven’t started yet (let’s hope not!), start job(s).

6.) Take a month or two of just working and going to school, saving up for the move back out (enough to cover deposits, startup house gear, and so on).

7.) Find a decent place as close to TWU as possible (to minimize use of gas AND the stress of campus parking), preferably either an efficiency or a one bedroom (granted, I don’t really own enough furniture for a one bedroom).  MOVE OUT, preferably by the summer.  TOTAL INDEPENDENCE SUCCESS!  \o/

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Now, as for Harry frikin’ Potter……?  :D

Monday and Wednesday nights are STUDENT NIGHTS at the Movie Tavern.  THAT is DOABLE!  :D

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OTHER MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS/NEWS:

-I downloaded this free game app for my iPod called Minigore and it’s freakishly addictive! Basically you’re this little muppet-esque dude mowing all these muppet monsters down with machine guns, shotguns, grenades, and power modes. If you don’t kill the muppet monsters, they eat you! Yeah, I know senseless killing isn’t usually my thing, but this one is AWESOME. I mean, other than that, all I have are the usual puzzle games, a billiards app and Rocketbird.
-I baked (after thawing, mind you) an old peice of frozen chicken I found last night and it was DELICIOUS.
-I got my teeth!
-That is all.

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And 25 Finally Hits Me…

I don’t believe this.

The internet is boring me.

I’m feeling too grown up for this shit. It’s just the same old shit anyway. 

The pleasure I usually derive from wasting my time online is not overwhelming the anxiety I’m feeling from wasting my time online. 

WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?

I just want to go home, clean, drink tea and read what I’m supposed to read.  And sleep.  And go to class.

The only thing that remotely amuses me online anymore is the random episode of Legend of the Seeker, Glee, or Supernatural.

Well, that and blogging.  But otherwise?  Bleh. Old news.  Bleh.

MELODY I MISS YOU.  :<

In other news, still looking for a better source of income.  In the meantime, I’ve been going to a local community soup kitchen thingy.   Actually I just went for the first time today.  I didn’t feel worthy of going there before. 

But then today this lady there kept saying stuff like “oh we get kids like you all the time!  Come everyday, eat more!  Here, have another fluffy danish!  Here have some bananas to take home with you! Want another bowl of soooouuuuup?!”

I ate a lot of food and then I had to keep myself from crying.  It was sad.  Beautiful, but sad.

I mean, if you can imagine the emotional state one has to be in that makes them fight back tears while eating a cheap yet ridiculously delicious fluffy danish, then yeah… that was me today.

I think part of it has to do with the fact I’ve always been a bit stubbornly independent and therefore feel guilty (not to mention strangely suspicious) for receiving help from other people.   I just don’t do it well. 

(I especially feel awkward when other people are serving me, which is yet another reason I don’t get pedicures and tend to do other people’s dishes when I’m at their houses and whatnot. )

I was even going to write this whole long schpeel about how awesome a supportive community is and how I think that a mutually supportive community is perhaps the single most crucial thing our society/country/whatever has lost over perhaps the last few millenia.  Like, extended family and shit, and people being warm and caring to one another and looking out for each other because they feel more loyalty towards each other than they do any state or nation or whatnot.  Because it’s instinct.  Because we are a gregarious species and survival of the group IS survival of the individual.  Yeah.  All that bleak and lonely dog-eat-dog elitist crap?  Not so much.   My experience today was so crazy encouraging. 

I felt nutured, encouraged and mothered, even.  It ACTUALLY HAD A POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT ON ME, PEOPLE.

I was also going to write about how humbling the experience was, and how responsible and mature I’ve felt all day, but whatevs.  I don’t even know anymore.

I think I’m going to go home now and read The Woman in White until I pass out.

You Know What I Hate?

Politics! 

(Excuse me, I’m going to cuss and rant a bit here.)

Sometimes, I really hate politics in this country.  It’s a fucking circus.   There’s only two fucking parties in the country that anyone ever really takes seriously.  And some people TAKE THEM TOO SERIOUSLY, in my opinion.

Some people stop treating the parties like the slightly changing and shifting ideological platforms they are, even ignoring the diversity that exists WITHIN each party (not to mention the possible diversity outside the two main parties). Instead people treat them like fucking sports teams.  Like, fucking Red vs. Blue over here.

And then people start drawing lines in the sand, dividing every fucking thing into two.   They do this while saying, “you either ARE or you AREN’T.”  Like there’s always only two options to every choice or two possible solutions to every problem. 

And if I don’t completely agree with them on every single hot button issue?  I’m suddenly the idiot, the douchebag, the prick, the overgrown child.

How dare I express a third opinion!
 

And then the terms liberal and conservative turn downright radioactive… don’t wanna to touch that shit.

And then there’s the fucking mud-slinging campaigns. 

Because no one really votes FOR a candidate as much as they vote AGAINST a candidate… at least not these days.  The same could be said about the parties as well.  And the politicians fucking KNOW this.

And sometimes I’m watching the two (sometimes so incredibly hypocritical it burns) sides of these arguments and it all plays out like a tween playground fight gone horribly, horribly wrong. 

Person A will call Person B out for being unable to spell or use proper grammar or whatever when Person A IS DOING THE EXACT SAME THING.

Granted, everyone is at least a little bit of a hypocrite, but when you’re acting in such a fashion AND acting all high and mighty about it?  It’s just embarrassing!

And even if and when I DO agree with you, I will still always have the urge to call you out on shit when you’re being inconsistent and hypocritical.  I don’t CARE if we’re “on the same side.” Because I have standards.  Because I believe in Common Decency.

Just because your so-called opponent is being a level one douchebag idiot DOESN’T mean you have to stoop to their level, too.  It also doesn’t mean you have to tell the person they are a level one douchebag idiot.  Be the bigger person, for once!

I.  HATE.  EXTREMISM.  (EXTREMELY.  xD)

What happened to logic?  What happened to respect?  What happened to practicing what you preach?  What happened to thinking for your own damn selves?!

You know what?  I’m a slightly liberal-leaning moderate, and mostly because I’m socially liberal.  Fiscally?  I’m divided, and I have mixed feelings on pretty much anything to do with this country’s fiscal policy.  I am pro-choice but I still have some reservations about abortion and I take as much offense to people calling a fetus a parasite as I do to people calling the pregnant woman a whore.  I am otherwise pretty live and let live and support the ideal of a minimalistic and efficient government (but with some socialistic programs involved where they’re needed).   I am also a feminist and generally just a peoplist.  And I pretty much always try to be fair.  THIS IS WHO I AM.

More than anything, I support queer rights, because that’s a very big and very personal deal to me.  This is also the #1 reason I never vote for the Republican party in Texas.

Because I’d rather live in a state with a questionable economy than live in a state where I could be arrested and condemned just for being who I am.  Especially when giving me the rights I DESERVE doesn’t remotely infringe on other people’s rights at all.

If I could have it my way, the two major parties would be Democratic Socialist and Libertarian, as those generalized platforms would best represent my own internal political conflicts.  As it is, I don’t affiliate with either existing major party.  BOTH dissatisfy me. There’s groups of people I wouldn’t in a million years want to associate with on BOTH sides. 
 
(And a number of people who are quite alright.)

And you know what?  You’re perfectly welcome to disagree with me.  Granted, I respect people more when they think for themselves without parroting newscasters and the like, but whatever you want… more power to you.  I can live with that.  I can agree to disagree. 

Hell, you can even mock me a little.  I lightly mock others, too.   One of my best friends in the world is incredibly more liberal than I’ll probably ever be and we tease each other all the time. But there’s a big difference between casual mockery and the kinds of bullshit a number of politicrazy people seem to be pulling these days. 

I just want it to stop.  :/

Consolation.

Notes to You (this is just self indulgence)

Okay, so I get it now.

I am annoying.

I am suffocating you, as always.

You care, but only so much.

I am not really all that special to you.  Some many other people matter more.  You’re a caring, friendly person, but I’m pretty far down on that list right now because I’ve been acting like a total crazy craze.

I’ve damaged our friendship by acting like an ass.  That damage cannot be repaired by me, by a few simple words.  It takes time. That is, of course, if it can even heal at all to begin with.

I’m no longer worth any real response or even acknowledgement.  So you brush me off.   That’s what “whatever” is, you know.  A total 80′s-style verbal brush off.  And it’s just about as cheap as a meal from McDonald’s.

You’re one or two moves away from just dropping me like a bad habit. 

I get it.

I deserve it.

So it’s fine.

Perhaps this just makes it all the more easy to move on.  To stop thinking of you as anyone special, too.  Just another one in the group.  Mutual friendliness, group shenanigans, nothing more.  No more sharing.  No more secrets to tell.  I’m on my own and I’m going to savor it selfishly. I’m not going to share anymore with you than I share with anyone else in our group from now on, if even that.  I may be more open with the group, but I’m killing off any special trust I have in you as I write this.  I’m through.

That’s fine.  Maybe I need this.

The more I move away from you, the more I rediscover myself.  My pleasantly, quietly, nerdy solitary Self.

And you’ll never read this, because you’ve never cared that much.  Which is fine.  I say this is for you but it’s really just for me. I really just need to hear all this.

Because I love self indulgence.  That is all.

Only Three…

You know, there’s only been three women throughout the course of my life that have truly held the amazing power of emotion over me… because I’ve loved them that much, and for that long.

They can make me smile, laugh, or cry all at the drop of a hat… and on a whim.

And, you know?  All three of them are bisexual.  And speak French.

o____O

Small world.