And if you go chasing rabbits…

I am having a bad kind of nothing day.

Nothing is going according to plan today.  I have future difficulties I am not looking forward to.

Rain’s making it impossible to get things done tonight.

I have a headache, I have blood-loss, I’m poor and I’m ravenously hungry again.  I can’t even frikin’ write well.

I have work to do but I just want to yell at things.

Strangely, however, I still have a little voice in my head that’s telling me everything is going to be alright.

I still feel like plotting.

I will still likely get my teeth sometime in the next two weeks.

And the Rangers are still going to the World Series.

So I guess I’m going to take a moment to relax, and then I’ll go eat, run my errands, then come back up to the S.U. to settle in for a night of getting shit done.

Yeah.

Notes to You (this is just self indulgence)

Okay, so I get it now.

I am annoying.

I am suffocating you, as always.

You care, but only so much.

I am not really all that special to you.  Some many other people matter more.  You’re a caring, friendly person, but I’m pretty far down on that list right now because I’ve been acting like a total crazy craze.

I’ve damaged our friendship by acting like an ass.  That damage cannot be repaired by me, by a few simple words.  It takes time. That is, of course, if it can even heal at all to begin with.

I’m no longer worth any real response or even acknowledgement.  So you brush me off.   That’s what “whatever” is, you know.  A total 80′s-style verbal brush off.  And it’s just about as cheap as a meal from McDonald’s.

You’re one or two moves away from just dropping me like a bad habit. 

I get it.

I deserve it.

So it’s fine.

Perhaps this just makes it all the more easy to move on.  To stop thinking of you as anyone special, too.  Just another one in the group.  Mutual friendliness, group shenanigans, nothing more.  No more sharing.  No more secrets to tell.  I’m on my own and I’m going to savor it selfishly. I’m not going to share anymore with you than I share with anyone else in our group from now on, if even that.  I may be more open with the group, but I’m killing off any special trust I have in you as I write this.  I’m through.

That’s fine.  Maybe I need this.

The more I move away from you, the more I rediscover myself.  My pleasantly, quietly, nerdy solitary Self.

And you’ll never read this, because you’ve never cared that much.  Which is fine.  I say this is for you but it’s really just for me. I really just need to hear all this.

Because I love self indulgence.  That is all.

Notes to Self

Today, focus first on getting through school.  You have three classes in person, a paper to polish and participation in an online class to fullfill, and that’s it.  Do these things.  Let that be it.  And get it done early.  Don’t procrastinate.

Get phone numbers and references for apps and keep a paper copy of these on you as a sort of cheat sheet.  Plan for transportation for the Halloween party and try to be as self-sufficient as possible,because this will not only make you feel better, but it may also send a positive message to your friends.  Plan your costume, even if it’s cheesy and homemade.  Hell, you have the silly batsunglasses and Batwoman t-shirt, you have cardboard and red spraypaint, you can buy a cape and a wig, you can make it work.  The point is the impression of the thing you’re mimicking, not some expensive Hollywood worthy lookalike.  The point is to have fun.

 Stay off the internet otherwise.  No more Tumblr today.   It’s only an escape.   No more escapism today.  Force yourself to face life, the dirty and the clean parts of it alike.   Taste, touch, and smell it.  Savor it.  Cherish it.  Don’t let it pass you by. 

USE your overanalytical brain to scheme and plan and SOLVE you problems instead of always fretting over them, and hell, you may be able to sleep well WITHOUT a nightcap.  And if something makes you happy and makesyou feel good (like the Rangers winning a game), DWELL the hell all over it.

Clean the house and make it a place you’re not uncomfortable being awake in for more than an hour at a time.  Budget and prep.  Write and draw by hand.  Work on the novel, perhaps?  Organize and decorate.  Cuddle with your cat.  Read a book at the park.  You have two books for school AND Wicked to read, and both Wicked and Dracula are pretty fitting novels for this time of year.  Drink some tea.  Stay offline and DO SOMETHING.

If possible spend a little time turning in some apps today, and do the real new job hunting tomorrow, when you’re wearing purple and voting against all of the people who don’t condone you wearing purple.  Remember: get a new job first, then go appartment hunting next.  Look forward to these things, dammit, because they are both necessary AND they’ll give you some hope, and hope will keep you going.

Nurture your own life from now on.  Dance and sing to the radio.  And when your three and a half month late period makes your uterus and everything else besides ache like a bitch tomorrow, don’t be afraid to take some aspirin to help you tough it out so you can get shit done.  Take a nap, perhaps, and drink more tea, but still get shit done.

Remember: the more you get done, the more you can move ahead.  The more you can move ahead, the more you will move on.  The more you move on, the better you’ll feel.  :)

ON [TOPIC]

I’ve decided to do something a little new en regards to this blog, journal, diary, whatever.

Reading my blog (as it is now) is kind of like eating nothing but Triscuits all day.

Sure, a handful of Triscuits is fine every once in a while. They are dry, and salty, and, uh, texture-y, and have some fiber and fat and shit (figuratively not literally, if you know what I mean), and that’s just what we all need sometimes, but other times I WANT FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER DOUBLE FUDGE FUCKING ICE CREAM. And, honestly. Triscuits have figurative SHIT against ice cream.

In other words: I lack motivation, skill, mojo, and pinache. I need FOCUS. And balls. And ice cream. I just grossed myself out.

I have a cat licking my elbow.

She is a rather cute cat.

OW.

So what I am going to try for awhile (until I forget and grow bored of it or squirrel) is this: FOCUS my entries around a particular topic. On Pizza. On Antagonization. On Hard Cider. On Obama. On Tegan and Sara. On Money. On Guitar Hero. Etc.

So instead of the usual watered-down emo shit like this: “oh my life sucks I can’t find the motivation ’cause I’m all alone and we live in an illiterate backwards religinut hypocritical society blah cheese and blah crackers” and whatnot…

I’m going to try to write something more like this: “On Procrastination. Period. Oh Guitar Hero is just so awesome look at me I know how to press the blue button with my little pinky finger now! Wow look how I have progressed but man does it annoy me when the sounds of the guitar don’t match up with the buttons on the screen wtf am I playing like two different guitar parts at once AND a synthesizer AND a kazoo?!”

Hell, maybe I’ll actually learn something about something this way. And find some of that elusive motivation. And maybe I won’t despise myself as much anymore. And I’ll be a little less alone. And I’ll learn how to be an expert at Guitar Hero. And I’ll probably continue to intentionally speak in incomplete sentences. And this might be a good time to go do all that homework and job-hunting and FAFSA-completing stuff I should be doing instead of writing this. Yeah.

Anyway, I think I’m gonna relax a bit with some Guitar Hero now (and oh, perhaps make myself some pasta and sauce), so, uh, taa-taa~!

On Brainstorming…

NaNoWriMo, bitches!

The most important thing is to keep writing.  No half-assery.  No apologies.  Just, DO IT and GET IT DONE.

Of course I joined the race at the very last minute (in the wee hours of this same morning before bed) so today’s going to be a brainstorming day first and a writing day second.  Hopefully, though, this will be the last day I have to devote so much time to such “productive” procrastination (and junk food… but hey, it’s the day after Halloween, so give me a break!).

NaNoWrimo, bitches!

I had already had in mind the handful of plots I’d choose from for this year’s novel-writing shenanigans. Well, in the last 24 hours, only one seems to be consistently sticking out from that mental list: Chatter. Chatter is an action-dialog sort of schpeel following the intertwining lives of five “crazy” people.  It takes place, for the most part, in a city somewhere between the sizes and atmospheres of Denton and Dallas.  It should be a little reminiscent of Kurt Vonnegut, Chuck Palinuik, Poe, Huxley and Ayn Rand (that’s completely off the top of my head, anyway) in terms of style, plot, and overall feel (if only I felt confident enough to say it could reach the caliber of such authors’ works!).  (In other words: cynical, philosophical, and downright weird.)

I’ve had the most basic and superficial overall plot for Chatter in mind for at least a year, and have even written tidbits of chapters, but for some reason I’ve lacked the inspiration and motivation to flesh the whole thing out.  Well,that laziness ends TODAY ’cause it’s NaNoWriMo, bitches!

I think I have to take another approach to this, and I think I know just what I need to do.  See, I’m a character-driven individual.  I’d probably dig Sims if I had the money to invest in such a game.  I LOVE role-playing, and I was even once one of those dorks painstakingly developing complex characters for online RPG forums (like *cough* X-Men *cough cough*), back in the day (*cough* high-school).  Have characters without plot?  Just give those same characters an environment to share and BAM!  A plot soon develops, if not several.  Have a plot without characters and what’s the bloody point, eh?  Are we living in a ghost-town or what?

So I have in mind the five (six, if we get technical) main characters of the novel and the most basic plot lines which begins and ends with this sentence: “Samuel McCormick has always believed he could fly.” What I’m going to do is write from the P.O.V. from each character in turn, flowing through the course of the basic plot line, adding subplots and details as inspiration kicks in.  The key to this story is character development, character interaction, and plot expansion and connections.  Every day, I will choose which one of the main character’s stories to work on, and then I will work on it, devoting roughly 10,000 words minimum to each character (thus reaching the 50,000 minimum for NaNoWriMo) by the end of the month.