It’s the Music That We Choose

I went to my friend April’s birthday party last night.  It was a weird night.

I had lots and lots of booze but never really felt drunk, in spite of the fact that I’ve severely restricted my own usual drinking habits since about a week after Beach Trip (mostly because I refuse to spend what little money I have on something that’s not of immeadiate nutritional value) and should therefore be much more of a lightweight.  It might’ve been the combination of all that booze with lots and lots of sugar and other foods (FREE FOOD!), or maybe it was perhaps my pacing of such stuffs consumption, or the fact that I intentionally avoided everything beer.  I drank a lot overall but only had, maybe (rough estimate *wince*) about 1-3 shots/drinks  (a combo of tequila, rum, and wine) an hour.  I don’t know. 

I was giddy, yes, I found things hellishly funny, yes, I was more outgoing than what’s usual, yes, but I never lost any sense balance, my awareness of my surroundings, or my ability to make rational choices and NOT be a total douche.  It was a good kind of drinking, I guess… if there even IS such a thing.I had a good time.  :)

I mingled with all sorts of different people, even when the party split into two groups for a time… the way it always seems to do at April’s parties.  See, half of April’s friends are, like, fellows from the Denton queer community, and the other half’s a bunch of grad-plus students and English majors from the college.  So usually the party either splits into queer and not queer factions (most common), girl and guy factions, or (far more rarely) college-y and not college-y  factions. 

But I’m odd: I like all the factions.  I can be one of the queers, one of the litgeeks, one of the party crazies, OR even one of the guys when I want to (although at moments it was like “we’re doing guy things and why the frickin’ frack is there a girl in our midst?!”). 

And it tickles me to mingle in all of the areas/groups the way few of the others seem to do.  I like to fuck shit up, when it comes to social dynamics, at least when I’m in the mooooood (ahem, when I’ve had tequila).  I’m always socially awkward anyway, so it hardly matters to me (especially after tequila) except when I’m in my dark place (it’s genetic, sue me).
 

I had many one-on-one conversations, too, and each conversation was awesome in its own way…

I had a rambling and joking conversation with a girl named Erica that ended with us challenging each other to a future tequila drinking contest.  We then joked about how we should train for it the way our triathlon friends trained for the last triathlon.  Then we did mock lunges while pretending to drink lots of booze, and Jess came out of nowhere to take pictures of this.  xD  Hilarity.

I also had a lengthy conversation with one of the dudes about wine.  We wino-geeked for a good thirty mintues!

I then cuddled with an awesome mutt dog named Banjo.  He proved to everyone just how freakishly well trained he is (knows how to sit, lay down, come when whistled/called, etc.), and this even surprised his owner!

At some point, I bumped into Tess.  It was a surprise to me and I think to some of the others as well.  I remembered that Alexis, Tess and I seemed pretty close for a month or two about two years ago, but I really haven’t spent any time with Tess since.  I also forgot that I’ve never really known quite how to approach or regard her as well.   Not that I feel any ill will towards her, in fact I sometimes get the impression that we could be really close but… I don’t know.  Eventually we drank blackberry wine and somehow got onto the subject of astrology, at which point we totally went off the deep end!  We got carried away with this crazy deep conversation and with the sharing of teh feelings…

And she’s all like, “man, we need to talk like this more often!” 

And I’m like, “dude we totally had this exact same conversation two whole years ago!”
 

I forgot how intense Tess is and how conversations with her just seem to… I don’t know… seem to suck a person in like that.  But then she started shivering (we were in the backyard with a bunch of others) and she said she was going to grab her jacket.  She never came back out.  In fact, she left just as abruptly as she came.
 

I got carried away in other conversations and completely didn’t notice until some time later, but yeah.  I don’t even know.  xD 

 Just gotta take it in stride, I guess.

And then before Alexis and her new girl left, her new girl (Rachel) told me that I totally look like Gabrielle AND I think both her and Alexis told me I was a “cute rabbit.”  I don’t know why but that totally amused me.  xD

I also had several one-on-one conversations with Allison, April’s girlfriend.  We geeked out on some of the most random things imaginable, subjects I thought I was the ONLY one in the DFW area to even care about!  Examples include: Legend of the Seeker and the Kay Scarpetta series.  It was awesome and very encouraging conversation.

 
                                                 =
  and

The last conversation I had with another person, one-on-one, was with one of the lit majors about the Korean War and veterans.  Random?  I know.

And then some philosophy majors and some marxists gathered around the campfire in the backyard in order to intellectually debate the inherent worth of marxism in the modern age.  It was perhaps one of most civil political debates I’ve heard in quite some time.  And even though the arguments sometimes degraded into the realm of circular reasoning, it was still very refreshing to listen to.  (Aaaaaaah college students.  xD)

Meanwhile, I was staring intently at the fire.  I was doing this because the positioning of the logs from where I was sitting totally looked like the Japanese symbol for fire.  This somehow blew my mind for a good ten minutes until some guy attempted to stoke the fire and fucked the whole thing up.  xD

Other topics of conversation for the night: comic con, douchey lit critics, queer films, poetry, and binders.

It was a weird night, but a good night.

And then someone dropped me off at home.  It was nearly 5am.  I slept like a corpse for almost 12 hours. 

 xD   The end.

 

(And I apologize if this is as grammatically incorrect as hell.  I’m kind of loopy at the moment and I don’t know why.  xD)

You Know What I Hate?

Politics! 

(Excuse me, I’m going to cuss and rant a bit here.)

Sometimes, I really hate politics in this country.  It’s a fucking circus.   There’s only two fucking parties in the country that anyone ever really takes seriously.  And some people TAKE THEM TOO SERIOUSLY, in my opinion.

Some people stop treating the parties like the slightly changing and shifting ideological platforms they are, even ignoring the diversity that exists WITHIN each party (not to mention the possible diversity outside the two main parties). Instead people treat them like fucking sports teams.  Like, fucking Red vs. Blue over here.

And then people start drawing lines in the sand, dividing every fucking thing into two.   They do this while saying, “you either ARE or you AREN’T.”  Like there’s always only two options to every choice or two possible solutions to every problem. 

And if I don’t completely agree with them on every single hot button issue?  I’m suddenly the idiot, the douchebag, the prick, the overgrown child.

How dare I express a third opinion!
 

And then the terms liberal and conservative turn downright radioactive… don’t wanna to touch that shit.

And then there’s the fucking mud-slinging campaigns. 

Because no one really votes FOR a candidate as much as they vote AGAINST a candidate… at least not these days.  The same could be said about the parties as well.  And the politicians fucking KNOW this.

And sometimes I’m watching the two (sometimes so incredibly hypocritical it burns) sides of these arguments and it all plays out like a tween playground fight gone horribly, horribly wrong. 

Person A will call Person B out for being unable to spell or use proper grammar or whatever when Person A IS DOING THE EXACT SAME THING.

Granted, everyone is at least a little bit of a hypocrite, but when you’re acting in such a fashion AND acting all high and mighty about it?  It’s just embarrassing!

And even if and when I DO agree with you, I will still always have the urge to call you out on shit when you’re being inconsistent and hypocritical.  I don’t CARE if we’re “on the same side.” Because I have standards.  Because I believe in Common Decency.

Just because your so-called opponent is being a level one douchebag idiot DOESN’T mean you have to stoop to their level, too.  It also doesn’t mean you have to tell the person they are a level one douchebag idiot.  Be the bigger person, for once!

I.  HATE.  EXTREMISM.  (EXTREMELY.  xD)

What happened to logic?  What happened to respect?  What happened to practicing what you preach?  What happened to thinking for your own damn selves?!

You know what?  I’m a slightly liberal-leaning moderate, and mostly because I’m socially liberal.  Fiscally?  I’m divided, and I have mixed feelings on pretty much anything to do with this country’s fiscal policy.  I am pro-choice but I still have some reservations about abortion and I take as much offense to people calling a fetus a parasite as I do to people calling the pregnant woman a whore.  I am otherwise pretty live and let live and support the ideal of a minimalistic and efficient government (but with some socialistic programs involved where they’re needed).   I am also a feminist and generally just a peoplist.  And I pretty much always try to be fair.  THIS IS WHO I AM.

More than anything, I support queer rights, because that’s a very big and very personal deal to me.  This is also the #1 reason I never vote for the Republican party in Texas.

Because I’d rather live in a state with a questionable economy than live in a state where I could be arrested and condemned just for being who I am.  Especially when giving me the rights I DESERVE doesn’t remotely infringe on other people’s rights at all.

If I could have it my way, the two major parties would be Democratic Socialist and Libertarian, as those generalized platforms would best represent my own internal political conflicts.  As it is, I don’t affiliate with either existing major party.  BOTH dissatisfy me. There’s groups of people I wouldn’t in a million years want to associate with on BOTH sides. 
 
(And a number of people who are quite alright.)

And you know what?  You’re perfectly welcome to disagree with me.  Granted, I respect people more when they think for themselves without parroting newscasters and the like, but whatever you want… more power to you.  I can live with that.  I can agree to disagree. 

Hell, you can even mock me a little.  I lightly mock others, too.   One of my best friends in the world is incredibly more liberal than I’ll probably ever be and we tease each other all the time. But there’s a big difference between casual mockery and the kinds of bullshit a number of politicrazy people seem to be pulling these days. 

I just want it to stop.  :/

Consolation.

Tasting Your Perfection

Nothing much to report on.

This semester hasn’t been going as smoothly as I would’ve hoped.  It’s been a bumbling kind of wtf season in general, so I’m kind of strongly looking forward to moving on into the next season, next semester, next house/apartment, and so on. 

Actually, more than anything else right now? I am looking forward to finding a better job than Jack ‘n’ the Box and finally living on my own WITHOUT unreliable housemates.  My desires for such things are becoming so incredibly intense that they are even starting to outweigh other, grander and sparklier and loftier goals in my life… like, you know, graduating.   Silly? I know, but lately I’ve been realizing that one must start by desiring and acquiring the so-called basics before taking on the all more complicated things, like conspiracy theories.  Or making crepes. Or dating.

Otherwise, life just feels like:

Only (if it’s at all possible) much less fun.

And it’s not like someone’s going to pop into my life out of nowhere to give me a hug or anything. 

I’ve already used up my whole stash of hug coupons anyway by, you know, being a sorry little ass.   So I just need to stop being so pathetic and start being awesome on my own first… instead…

Yes, I’m using animated gifs.  I’ve been so fucked up lately that even the English language fails me half the time.  I no longer feel confident in my abilities to accurately express myself solely through the wonder that is the written word.  And gifs make me happy.  They’re my new expression crack, like art and poetry used to be for me ages ago.
Here’s some more tidbits of actual blogging and communication!

I am getting thoroughly lost in Supernatural fandom again.  I mean, I still love all the other things I love, but Supernatural is kind of my number one form of TV crack for the moment and I don’t know why.  Just, Supernatural ate my brain…

I don’t even know…

I also keep noticing women, more than I want to.  And some of them are noticing me, or something!  And I’m not really feeling up to all these potential shenanigans because I’m not really in the right place for any sort of relationship and it all confuses me so. 

Like, I’m trying to ignore it all, but they’re all like…

And I’m like…

But they’re EVERYWHERE, and they make me feel so shallow!  >.<  As if I am worse at such a thing than most of you are with… whoever/whatever you happen to be into, I guess.

It’s annoying.  =/

…

Meanwhile, I’m looking forward to the 19th for two awesome reasons:  I’ll be getting my teeth and I’ll be seeing a movie. <3

I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought.  =o

Until next time!

Only Three…

You know, there’s only been three women throughout the course of my life that have truly held the amazing power of emotion over me… because I’ve loved them that much, and for that long.

They can make me smile, laugh, or cry all at the drop of a hat… and on a whim.

And, you know?  All three of them are bisexual.  And speak French.

o____O

Small world.

On [Denton Shenanigans]

I can’t sleep and I can’t go home.  So I’m gonna talk to you for a bit.

Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home kept me up until at least 4am last night because I read it the whole way through.  I was simultaneously comforted and disturbed by how familiar the story was to me.  Alison even used to smoke cloves during college (if not until very recently).

I then spent two hours trying to sleep to no avail.  Sleep was not comforting.  Sleep was not a solution to my problems.  Sleep was a waste of time.  It was perhaps a combination of the graphic novel I had just read and the beans I had for dinner.

So at roughly 6am I threw some decent clothes back on again and walked all the way back up to school to kill some time until I felt tired again.  “Feeling tired” ended up not happening until close to noon.  (I was a little disturbed by how many people are running around the school at noon, too.)

When I got back home, I slept until 5pm.  When I woke up, I discovered to my mild dismay that it was, in fact, Expresso Tuesday (Angela’s weekly get-together/mini party at our house).  I wanted to exercise, but the advent of Expresso Tuesday (as well as my cat) was making that hard.  After only some mild stretching and ab exercises I called it quits and headed to the shower.

…

While walking up to The Square, I was overwhelmed about how much the humidity and “breadiness” of the air reminded me of pasta.  I then realized I was so hungry that I was confusing the smell of moss with pasta and decided I should eat something soon before I started licking questionable green goo off the sidewalk.

(I’ve been having problems eating lately.  As in, I usually don’t feel like eating at all until quite near the very moment my skin starts to get all silly-clammy.  Then I’m freakin’ STARVING.)

And then I hallucinated Audrey Hepburn.  Low blood sugar does that to me.

At some time after 7pm, I found myself at Jupiter House, contemplating bagels (specifically, eating one).  Then April and Jess texted about playing cards tonight. I was all like, “yeah!  9pm!  I’m gonna grab a bite to eat at The Square real quick and then I’ll head up to your  house!”

And they were like, “where you at?!”

And I was like, “uh, at Jupiter House, contemplating bagels.”

And then the ensuing silence led me to believe that April and Jess were heading my way instead of texting me back with some tidbit of further communication.  I was actually kind of astute right there because two minutes later, they popped right into Jupiter House.

They had just eaten at Fuzzy’s Tacos.  Without me.

Lesbian couples do that sometimes.  (Hahahahahahaha I’m single.)

So instead of eating a bagel, I heading with them to Banter to eat a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato in it while they all smoked and drank Dos Equis.

Then we prepared to head up to April’s house.  April and Jess grabbed their bikes, their two steeds, making me feel like the odd one out.

But I had left my bike at Jupiter House on some previous night (as in, three weeks ago)!  Hahaha, suckers!  I’m part of this bike gang now!

Only, I had a few problems:

1.) the bike tires where really low

2.) I’m currently kind of out of shape

3.) I was trying to carry a side-bag full of books and my netbook (which was probably only 50 lbs, but still)

So here we were, a three-dyke badass bicycle gang, and I can’t keep up!  They’re zooming off ahead of me and laughing and my antics.  And my tires are sagging and my bag’s dragging all across the back wheel with this itchy metallic ”KRWEE  KWREE KWREEE KWREE!”  And I arrived at their house roughly ten minutes after they did.

When I got there, April was sitting by herself on the front porch, idly doodling with chalk and propping up little toy dinosaurs all over the pavement, without a care in the world.  As if to say, “oh hai, I’ve just, you know, been chillin’ here ALL DAY.”

And then we both went inside and met Jess out on the back porch.

At which point we quickly commenced at getting royally fer-scnockered.

At least I did.  (I have a low tolerance right now.)

And just as the various poisons (which we will not call by name here for reasons I need not to explain to you) in my body started to have effect, April and Jess sent me down the street to the Gas Station to buy us a pack of cigarettes (?).

Before I walked out of the front door, they started gesturing at me for some oddass reason.  They cupped their hands in front of them, as if they were holding fruit.  Apples and oranges, I think.  They thrust these imaginary fruits all up in my face.  And then I made the mistake on saying, “dude, guys, it looks like you two are holding fruit all up at me.”

That was a mistake.  The next moment I am chased out the door by an onslaught of imaginary apples, oranges, watermelons, and grapes.  It was scary, because once I had first imagined and then articulate the existence of such fruit, I could NOT in my life un-imagine them.

And the sidewalk was even scarier.

It also took FOREVER to get to the gas station.  Seriously, I thought it was just a five minute walk away?  IT FELT LIKE AN HOUR.  It felt like a bloody LORD OF THE RINGS saga for a moment there, complete with mountains and trees and big creepy ugly dude with swords, except I was only one hairy little hobbit, not two, and I had very little idea of what the hell it was I was supposed to be doing… OH YEAH, cigarettes.

And then the guy at the counter asked for my I.D., which I had left in my bag at April’s house.   As I fumbled clumsiness around in all of my various pockets (some real, some imaginary) the pity in the guy’s eyes grew and grew. 

“Nevermind,” he said, like, twenty long seconds later (I hardly remember this).

I somehow made it back to the house, another hour (and creepy Norse epic) later.

We then all went on the back porch to smoke and drink wine.  I had a crazy moment where I was shocked to find myself back in the exact same position I was just three hours earlier.  Only, this time, we had merlot and cigarettes.

I quietly blew my own mind with philosophy and physics  and time-loop theories while more and more people arrived.

Soon, all six of us (six?!) were drinking more Dos Equis and wine around a table while we played Phase 10.  The amusing thing about this scenario was: we’re all litgeeks, can’t count for shit, and half of us were totally borked out of our minds.

We didn’t even finish the game.

…

At some point, I ate ice cream.

…

Everyone went away.  April and Jess went to sleep.  They’re letting me crash here because I’m afraid of getting lost on the way home right now.  (There’s orcs out there, mannnnnn…)

But I can’t sleep.  And it’s quiet.

So I went outside on the back porch again to contemplate the stillness, the darkness.  The wetness in the air and the thousands of tiny burrowed-out holes in the ground all around town.  The chairs kept me company with their rusty, creaky, cloth-covered murmurings.   Lawn chairs actually make for very able listeners, as it turns out.

And I’ll proabably go back out there one more time after posting this to, you know, tell them goodnight.

(Please be aware I am fer-schcnockered as I write this and I will be editing it tomorrow when I’m less ferschnockered.  Hopefully.  If I remember and if I’m motivated.)