I slept in far too late today, as I did yesterday.
Part of me feels all this sleep is a good thing. In theory I’m catching up on all the sleep I didn’t get while at the beach. I’m also most definitely dreaming while I sleep, and in theory this is my psyche’s way of working through my problems, which again is a good thing.
However, part of me feels guilty for sleeping so much. When I sleep, I’m not being productive. I’m hiding from reality and the waking world. Meanwhile, my life continues to stagnate, rot and fester. I’m not really sure what I should be doing when I’m awake half the time anyway, so I struggle to see the point of my guilt. And it’s true that there’s a part of me that can’t stand being fully awake and cognitive right now as well, which is why I’ve had roughly two shot of liquor every night since returning from the beach. It numbs everything, makes me think and care less. It allows me to switch to autopilot so I can mentally check out while still getting things done. It’s the only way I seem to be able to get anything done anymore, be it homework or housework. Because I can’t for the life of me turn my brain off. It seems to always be buzzing or clicking nervously away, and sometimes it’s just downright annoying.
But it’s not all bad. Granted, I’ve been depressed for months now, and likely have been less social and active as a result. Hell, maybe I’ve really gone off the deep end this time. But sometimes everything has to be stripped down completely in order to be built up again. Maybe I’m getting ready to do just that… soon!
Really, it’s the small things that cheer me up, comfort and encourage me. I feel compelled to take a moment to appreciate these things…
Two days ago, I took the bus to the mall. It’s the first time I’ve taken the bus anywhere in quite some time, and it felt good just to get out of my usual living zone (TWU and the Square). For the first time in awhile I felt like an active participant in life and less like a ghost, I guess because I was going SOMEWHERE and doing SOMETHING and completely of my own accord. I felt the same sense of “do what I want when I want” that I grasped at so desperately while at the beach. Just that little taste of personal freedom and empowerment was very psychologically beneficial, I think.
I bought scented lotions from Bath ‘n’ Body Works, read books at Barnes ‘n’ Noble, drooled over shoes at DSW, gushed at cute (albeit sick and slightly depressing) kittens at the pet store and indulged in some awesome greasy food at my favorite mall pizza joint. Hell, if I had gotten there earlier I might’ve gone to a movie. Basically I took myself out on a sort of teenager-esque date at the mall and enjoyed every minute of it, guilt free. It felt good to get back down to basics.
The radio’s also been a strange comfort for me. My netbook, my iPod, and Pandora have all made regular radio pretty much unnecessary for me this last year or two. And then a few days ago, my netbook abruptly died and I left my iPod’s charger at my mother’s house. And so suddenly it’s like the power had been cut off in my house, and I was left completely in the dark. So I (figuratively) lit a few candles. Suddenly, as if I gained a newfound appreciation for firelight, and I gained a newly rediscovered appreciation for the flickering buzz and hiss of the everyday radio. I seriously just took what could’ve been a bad moment and made it into a good one.
Only once or twice have I heard something I absolutely abhor (gay-bashing “Christian” talk and Nickleback music, to be more specific). Instead, for the most part I’ve heard many songs that I’ve forgotten that I’ve forgotten, even. It’s all so stimulating and random and reminds me of some of the few things in my adolescence that also kept me sane and safe way back then, just like this. (And really, everything was so much more chaotic back then!) I’ve even heard what I thought was some of my more eccentric musical tastes on the radio once or twice (no Tegan and Sara yet, though, but here’s hoping)!
Actually getting shit done is also encouraging, but I lack discipline and follow-through. The trick is getting started in the first place. It’s kind of like hard-core exercise, which I put off for the longest time but feel absolutely exhilarated and enthralled once I actually do it. I just need to focus on how I feel once I’m done and I’ve accomplished something. Also? Baby steps and micro-tasks, perhaps.
Besides all that, it’s the even smaller and simpler things that are somehow ever more significant and helpful. The comfort of a clean house (which will be easier to attain once I live on my own and sans incontinent housemate’s dog, I think). The weight and warmth of a cat curled up and sleeping on my stomach. A glass of wine and a good book. The way sunlight filters through the thin turquoise drapes on the back window. A time and place to paint, draw, write, and dance. The smell of Fall. The smell of rain. The smell of rain in the Fall. The sounds of the waves crashing on the beach and the feel and taste of a salty breeze in my face. Even the ridiculous childlike joy that is “wave-jumping.” Do I really absolutely need to share the joy of all these things with another living soul? No, I suppose not. I guess I should be well past that now.
It’s funny, but my dreams of the future are becoming much simpler than they have ever been before. I think life has finally defeated and expelled some of my grander dreams. Instead I simply dream of having a place to call my own, with my kind of furniture and food and drink and life. And it would be nice, maybe, to be able to send my friends and family presents at Christmas and at birthdays, and indulge my godson in the goodies and advice I would’ve given my own kids if I had any. There’s not even the rather vague idea of another person in the picture, at least not intimately so, at least not anymore.
I am really looking forward to living on my own come December, even if I have to work more to pay for such a thing (that is, of course, if I manage to pull it off in the first place). I’m looking forward to a house I can actually keep clean, and a place I wouldn’t be embarrassed by if I invited friends over. I’m looking forward to getting my teeth fixed, my hormones level, and my bone spur removed. I’m even looking forward to finally getting Mana’s future sister, Soma, so they can cuddle with each other and I can cuddle with both of them. I’m looking forward to life as a cat-lady librarian, a keeper of the books, the female Quasimodo of the library instead of the bells. I’m looking forward to a stable, chaos-free life full of good food and the occasional vacation. Sad, but true.
And when I get there, and the world seems to have actually beaten me, there will still be a part of me that is stubborn and rebellious. A part of me that thinks and creates and dares to ask questions and encourages generation after generation to do just the same. A part of me who still wants to be a catalyst and seeks to fulfill the self-appointed mission of changing the way people THINK first, in order to eventually change the way they ACT.
Anywho…
Final thoughts? And, lastly? I need to find true peace and comfort in my solitude. I need to nurture myself, for once. It’s nice having other people but it shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all for me, because that brings intense fears of abandonment and opens one up to injury, and jealousy. I shouldn’t be always sacrificing so much of my own life’s stability in a desperate attempt to hang with other people all the time. I need to stop living for the next vacation, the next holiday, the next drink, the next concert. I need to stop putting off my own needs for the sake of others’ wants all the time. Because how can I be good to others if I’m not even good to myself? Instead, I just come across as a total ass, as an angsty little emo thing. I need to learn to take better care of myself, and actually indulge myself every once in awhile (like the mall, not the booze) without feeling guilty about it. Because it’s my life, my choices, my consequences, my values, my empowerment, my freedom. And so what if no one else may know all the things that make me smile, laugh and cry? That’s what blogging and creative endeavors are for! It’s enough that I know. It should be enough that I know. And if someone else may know one day? Even better, but it shouldn’t be necessary, and I’ve been going through life thinking it is necessary.
For the next few weeks, I think, I’m gonna learn to be a better friend to myself. And then maybe I can be a better friend to everyone else.
Today, I’m gonna clean house, clean myself up, do homework, and maybe watch some Legend of the Seeker. I’m going to be a happy little pudgling hermit, be a better friend to myself, sing to the radio and paint my nails just for the hell of it. Oh, and I’m going to post this where anyone can see it, if they actually want to see it. That is all.
