The Bittersweet Between My Teeth

Hi! I really don’t have much to say…

I am actually blogging for the sake of blogging, you know, rambling for the sake of rambling. I actually posted the above video just to distract you from that fact. (Actually, it’s a pretty damn spiffy video, but still…)

See, this month is Nanowrimo, and I am really in absolutely no place to participate in Nanowrimo.

And so I thought, “hey! Instead, I’ll just try to post one blog entry for every day this month. That way, at least I’m writing something!”

But even that partially (partially!) backfired. Alas, here I am to distract you. Pay no attention to the fake plastic thumb of my left hand or my randomly shaped paragraphs with questionable sentence structures; just watch me make this fluffy lil’ scarf disappear, eh?

Actually, maybe forcing myself to blog like this is a good idea. See, I usually only attempt to blog when I feel I have a shit ton to blog about, and when that happens I never really get a chance to say all I actually initially wanted to say (and it’s all horribly disorganized as well… you know, my blog thoughts). I pretty much always lose steam midway through. So this way I get all the stupid, menial, minor shit out of the way so when I have something of worth to actually blog about, it won’t be diluted by so much tiresome thought!crap.

Yeah. That’s a good idea!

So. What should I say?

(Except that, quite possibly, I am also writing and rambling and shuffling my feet online here simply because I miss you, because I want to talk to you, but I haven’t been able to do such a thing and so here is an open letter on the web, from me to you. Cheesy cheesy cheesy cheeeeeeeese, fluffy rumble cuddle, dammit! >.<)

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So, ahem, I definitely had one of those “hey, you! With the FACE!” moments today.

See, I royally suck at remembering names, even though I often remember faces, voices, nervous ticks, other quirks, etc.. Other people always seem to remember me more than I do them, which makes me feel like a total self-asorbed douche. Really, I don’t know why I’m so rememberable to some people… I shouldn’t be. I may be a total goof but I can also be quite quiet and shy. :/

Wuh-hell I was leaving the Student Union building today when I heard someone call my name.

I turned around to face this girl whose name I couldn’t for the life of me think of. Not only that, but even her face only looked familiar in the vaguest possible sense, like I saw her in the background crowd in some dream I had ten years ago or something obscure like that. Awwww shit.

Cue awkward (but friendly) conversation.

I soon discovered that she was someone I had apparently talked to at some housewarming party apparently over a year and a half ago, and this party apparently involved at least one of my friends because this new and strange person mentioned a name: Lyndsay, a friend of mine who used to attend school at UNT. Then, mystery girl mentioned the name of another one of my friends from UNT: April. Ah, oh, so… okay…

After a few minutes, I kind of had an idea of who this strange mystery girl knew that I knew and how she might possibly know me and yet I still didn’t know her name (and I didn’t have the guts to ask) and I still couldn’t really, honestly recall the, uh, housewarming party she had mentioned.

Additionally, this mystery girl was familiar enough with me to invite me to Lyndsay’s graduation in a little over a month, as well as allow me to stay the night while sleeping on her and Lyndsay’s… couch? Oh wait, they’re housemates?!

…And cue douchey feeling.

…

So THAT happened…

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Ahem. So I’m currently reading The Woman in White. And you know what? I think Sarah Waters once read The Woman in White, too. Just saying.

Is there ANYONE else out there in the universe who understands what I’m implying here, what I’m talking about? ANYONE?!

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Oh, by the way: I am still poor, BUT I got an callback at a local organic / whole foods grocery store, as well as an interview at the nearest temp agency. Both are only a five minute walk away from my house!

I just recently finished the first season of Legend on the Seeker on Hulu. I don’t think I have a way of watching the second season right now so I am actually suffering from some stupid sense of anxiety, helplessness, and loss. This is actually part of the reason the internet’s boring me right now. :(

Also? I’ve been eating more, thanks to the soup kitchen. I am going to be getting my teeth in 8 days! And if I can somehow borrow money for a ticket or something, there’s also Harry Potter!

I’ll be moving soon, too! Good times! Good times!

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Here’s another video!

And 25 Finally Hits Me…

I don’t believe this.

The internet is boring me.

I’m feeling too grown up for this shit. It’s just the same old shit anyway. 

The pleasure I usually derive from wasting my time online is not overwhelming the anxiety I’m feeling from wasting my time online. 

WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?

I just want to go home, clean, drink tea and read what I’m supposed to read.  And sleep.  And go to class.

The only thing that remotely amuses me online anymore is the random episode of Legend of the Seeker, Glee, or Supernatural.

Well, that and blogging.  But otherwise?  Bleh. Old news.  Bleh.

MELODY I MISS YOU.  :<

In other news, still looking for a better source of income.  In the meantime, I’ve been going to a local community soup kitchen thingy.   Actually I just went for the first time today.  I didn’t feel worthy of going there before. 

But then today this lady there kept saying stuff like “oh we get kids like you all the time!  Come everyday, eat more!  Here, have another fluffy danish!  Here have some bananas to take home with you! Want another bowl of soooouuuuup?!”

I ate a lot of food and then I had to keep myself from crying.  It was sad.  Beautiful, but sad.

I mean, if you can imagine the emotional state one has to be in that makes them fight back tears while eating a cheap yet ridiculously delicious fluffy danish, then yeah… that was me today.

I think part of it has to do with the fact I’ve always been a bit stubbornly independent and therefore feel guilty (not to mention strangely suspicious) for receiving help from other people.   I just don’t do it well. 

(I especially feel awkward when other people are serving me, which is yet another reason I don’t get pedicures and tend to do other people’s dishes when I’m at their houses and whatnot. )

I was even going to write this whole long schpeel about how awesome a supportive community is and how I think that a mutually supportive community is perhaps the single most crucial thing our society/country/whatever has lost over perhaps the last few millenia.  Like, extended family and shit, and people being warm and caring to one another and looking out for each other because they feel more loyalty towards each other than they do any state or nation or whatnot.  Because it’s instinct.  Because we are a gregarious species and survival of the group IS survival of the individual.  Yeah.  All that bleak and lonely dog-eat-dog elitist crap?  Not so much.   My experience today was so crazy encouraging. 

I felt nutured, encouraged and mothered, even.  It ACTUALLY HAD A POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT ON ME, PEOPLE.

I was also going to write about how humbling the experience was, and how responsible and mature I’ve felt all day, but whatevs.  I don’t even know anymore.

I think I’m going to go home now and read The Woman in White until I pass out.

Tasting Your Perfection

Nothing much to report on.

This semester hasn’t been going as smoothly as I would’ve hoped.  It’s been a bumbling kind of wtf season in general, so I’m kind of strongly looking forward to moving on into the next season, next semester, next house/apartment, and so on. 

Actually, more than anything else right now? I am looking forward to finding a better job than Jack ‘n’ the Box and finally living on my own WITHOUT unreliable housemates.  My desires for such things are becoming so incredibly intense that they are even starting to outweigh other, grander and sparklier and loftier goals in my life… like, you know, graduating.   Silly? I know, but lately I’ve been realizing that one must start by desiring and acquiring the so-called basics before taking on the all more complicated things, like conspiracy theories.  Or making crepes. Or dating.

Otherwise, life just feels like:

Only (if it’s at all possible) much less fun.

And it’s not like someone’s going to pop into my life out of nowhere to give me a hug or anything. 

I’ve already used up my whole stash of hug coupons anyway by, you know, being a sorry little ass.   So I just need to stop being so pathetic and start being awesome on my own first… instead…

Yes, I’m using animated gifs.  I’ve been so fucked up lately that even the English language fails me half the time.  I no longer feel confident in my abilities to accurately express myself solely through the wonder that is the written word.  And gifs make me happy.  They’re my new expression crack, like art and poetry used to be for me ages ago.
Here’s some more tidbits of actual blogging and communication!

I am getting thoroughly lost in Supernatural fandom again.  I mean, I still love all the other things I love, but Supernatural is kind of my number one form of TV crack for the moment and I don’t know why.  Just, Supernatural ate my brain…

I don’t even know…

I also keep noticing women, more than I want to.  And some of them are noticing me, or something!  And I’m not really feeling up to all these potential shenanigans because I’m not really in the right place for any sort of relationship and it all confuses me so. 

Like, I’m trying to ignore it all, but they’re all like…

And I’m like…

But they’re EVERYWHERE, and they make me feel so shallow!  >.<  As if I am worse at such a thing than most of you are with… whoever/whatever you happen to be into, I guess.

It’s annoying.  =/

…

Meanwhile, I’m looking forward to the 19th for two awesome reasons:  I’ll be getting my teeth and I’ll be seeing a movie. <3

I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought.  =o

Until next time!