Blowing Up My Cranium

Well, today didn’t go quite as planned, but it wasn’t a complete loss.

I overslept, but I adapted.

I have no money, but I still managed to refill my minutes on my phone (in order to get calls for new jobs, etc., and perhaps the NUMBER ONE thing I needed to get done today) AND feed myself and my cat.

I managed to save enough beef from the soup kitchen to take home and mash up into something Mana would actually eat.  She gobbled it up and was asking for more within thirty minutes.  Currently I am making a fish meal for the two of us, and killing time by jotting down my thoughts for the day (something I am trying to do more often).

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EDIT 9pm: Totally made something both Mana and I could eat.  She had fish mashed up with other random vegetables and a little leftover milk.  She gobbled it up (and tomorrow, with luck, I’ll have some money to buy her some real food again).  I took my portion of fish and combined it with corn, leftover sauce (half of which ended up clumsily on my face and shirt), bread crumbs and spices to make an awesome hobo stew.  Really, the right spices can make almost any lame old thing into something almost awesome.  :D  I also have leftovers for tomorrow.  I feel so resourceful!

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I had yet another one of those mornings filled with very vivid, instense dreams.  I woke up a few times, but I was hardly myself.  My autopilot self totally ignored my alarms.  Meanwhile, I dreampt I was a teen/young adult in some sort of special boarding school or academy in the French countryside (random?  Or not?).  I even glanced at my schedule at one point, which listed three classes (two of which had something to do with transfolk).  I was fretting in my dream because I was failing all my classes and so I thought I might just get kicked out.  No bueno. 

As a result of all that dreaming, I overslept by a good five hours.  At about a quarter to noon I was suddenly aware enough to know what I had unfortunately done, and frikin’ jumped out of bed like it was on fire… but too late.  I got absolutely NOTHING done before it was time to go to the soup kitchen.  I had to frikin’ rearrange my entire day because of that.  :/

Well, besides a few minor hiccups, I DID manage to get a couple of my top priority items done for the day.  So I guess I’ll just… try again tomorrow.

Baby That’s Why I’m Here

At home now, cuddling with my cat. 

She is by far the cuddliest cat I’ve ever had.  For the most part, I’m not complaining.  It’s nice having this pleasant, warm, furry little friend around that absolutely delights in my company and warmth.  I love having the company and warmth, too, you know, a living and receptive presence in an otherwise empty home.  And purring is never not pleasant.  :)  She sometimes gets in the way when I’m trying to get things done, but otherwise it’s quite alright.

My mother had a proposition for me on the drive home this evening.  See, I currently lack any financial stability, mostly because I don’t have a car.  Getting a car, however, requires greater financial stability.  So I’ve kind of been in a lose-lose situation all around.   As one guy at the soup kitchen put it last week: “once you get too deep in the hole, there’s really no digging yourself out… not without a miracle.”

Well, one asset I guess I kind of sort of DO have that I’ve haven’t been taking advantage of: family.

Instead of moving into my own place right away when my lease expires in a month and a half, my mother suggested that I temporarily move back home instead.    Her reasoning is this:  instead of worrying about rent and bills, I could instead use my monthly funds, along with the extra finaid (taking out extra for the semester instead of just what I need), towards the purchase of a new car.  BAM.  One of problems solved before February.  THEN I could stay at home for part of or the rest of the Spring semester and save up towards not just moving out into my own place, but moving into my own place with enough of a financial cushion to not have to depend on anyone else ever again.

The downside to what my mother’s proposing: moving back home, of course.  That’s exactly the opposite of what I want.  Plus, I really, really, REALLY don’t want to be under the same roof as my brother ever again.  He is a vile creature with almost no redeeming qualities.  And my mother tends to keep everyone living with her on quite a tight leash.  :/

But maybe I sacrifice for a little while in order to better ensure what I want?  After all, this is perhaps the most plausabile method I can think of to get a car in the near future, aside from winning the lottery.

So maybe I sacrifice a little?  Put off my silly little dream for just a little while longer?  After all, my social life is already dying, so what do I have to lose?  For one semester I take the minimum number of classes, work sixty hours a week, only come home to clean or sleep, and just… not see people.  I stop sacrificing time and money and going out of my way to see people, for awhile, for the first significant length of time since 2006.  Then, in the summer when I’d usually be barely getting by and seeing no one, I move into a rad one bedroom I could totally afford by that time and host an awesome housewarming party, seeing all of my favorite people (aside from the dearest ones, in College Station and France :/).  As I am right now, I’m just a burden for everyone at best.   :/

They’ll be there when I come back…

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try my darndest to get up bright and early tomorrow and get things done.  I need to get so, so much done…

FYI…

…I miss you.  Come back.***

***EDIT: She’s back!

Juliet