The Truth Is…

I’m moving back in with my parents, but I really don’t want to. My family’s more chaotic than I am and I am quieter than they are and more prone to rational discourse over irrational yelling than they are and I’m more sensitive to disruption than they are and all of these differences really get on my nerves after awhile. But this is the best route to getting a car, I guess, which is the only way I’m going to stop feeling like a burden on anyone anymore…

My mother wanted to see Easy A at the theater tonight, but I really didn’t want to. I really have absolutely no desire to see any movie before I see the Deathly Hallows movie. I know that’s irrational and lame, but the prospect of seeing anything else right now simply does not appeal to me, even if I wouldn’t have to pay for my ticket. I simply would not enjoy it and it would therefore be a complete waste of my time and money. My mother’s bashing of Harry Potter doesn’t exactly make me want to please her by NOT seeing Harry Potter, either.

So I somehow managed to make the premise of my friends’ party as the excuse for not going to the movies tonight. But I’m likely not going to that party anyway. I don’t really feel like soliciting anyone for a ride anymore… I just feel like a burden, extra baggage. And my friends I think are not in the place to go out of their way to even ask me, not even Liz, which I understand, considering: my moods the last few times we’ve all been together likely hasn’t made anyone feel like going out of their way to make sure I’m there, either. I am also in a situation where I really have little to nothing to contribute to the party. So yeah, I’d just be a mooch, a burden, and I think this is finally wearing on everyone’s patience. In short, I currently have NO redeeming qualities. And that makes me feel cheap. And I don’t want to grovel and beg for attention or company. I’m kind of tired of trying and doing that sort of thing right now. If they don’t want me, they don’t want me. I can hardly blame them anyway. I should just shrug it off and except my losses and move on, like the cold and rational adult I should be.

It’s a shame, too. I think I would’ve been in a better mood tonight if I could have gone, too, because I actually got a job offer today, and the job’s actually a pretty sweet deal. I was also just generally feeling pretty damn swell most of this day, independent and owning my own life and totally nonchalant (easy breezy, divorced from all of the negative emotions that have been plaguing me on and off for the last couple of years, and whatnot), rational and unable to be brought down, even if I was also far from euphoric as well (admittedly). I kind of reached this happy functional whatever numb place, somewhere in the middle. Like, it felt like nothing could touch me, and I could just float on that delicate emotion long enough so that no other emotions could touch me, hurt me.

But then I got home and the room project didn’t go as planned and my mother woke up and everyone started yelling at each other and meanwhile the the hour for my friends’ party loomed near and I realized that I wasn’t actually going and I realized I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep up the happy momentum from my job offer for the rest of the night anyway. I now (and still, in spite of the job offer) feel pretty damn cheap, worthless, and abandoned… and dammit, it’s just a really shitty, crappy, fucked up kind of feeling for ANYONE to have, sensitive or not.

So my plans for the evening, I guess, are going to be house chores, homework, a few eps of Legend of the Seeker, and maybe some Maple Story. Meanwhile in my mind I’m sometimes wildly contemplating just leaving everything behind once I get my car and my independence. You know, start out fresh, and make it so I don’t bother anyone again. The problem with that is… I just fucking care too damn much for my own good. I don’t know how to bring myself to just… let people go. That’s such an incredibly hard thing to do. For some reason I can’t bear the thought of never talking to them again, especially… especially some people…

Yeah, I could REALLY use a pick-me-up right about now… instead I’m stuck with this feeling that’s halfway between wanting to cry out for help and wanting to just silently fade away and disappear.

I’m just going to try not to think about it.

(Hopefully things will be better next year.)

EDIT: So I’m reaching that cold, numb place again. Maybe I could stay here long enough to get through all this and turn my life around and all that jazz. Who knows? We’ll see.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I kind of want to go clubbing sometime in the next few months. I don’t crave it often but it’s been awhile. Hmm. Dunno.

A Family of Trees Falling…

There is really no way to tell this story, to do it justice.  There’s really no way to be poetic about it, and a short story written on the subject would easily turn into a novel the size of War and Peace.

I am talking about my family.

I wish I could convey to you, in a beautiful, poetic and subtle manner, all that is going on with my family right now. I wish I could communicate all of the complexities involved, over the years and throughout many generations, all the many issues and ailments and small triumphs and defeats.

But I can’t.  I don’t have the time, the patience, the skill, the wisdom, nor the ambition right now to tell you everything.  But oh, I wish I could tell you everything.

I wish there was someone out there that would want to listen to this story, too, to hear it and know it, and know me.  To handle me crying and talking incoherently… and just, know…

Still, I have to say something.

So here, in no particular order and sans sense,  is a cloud of words and feelings and actions and ideas about the subject:

Check the tags.

i’ve made up my mind, i’m leavin’ this town!

Today, I start moving from the Daffodil House to the Crescent House, up in the town where I work and attend school in.  Sara’s going to come over and help me move boxes and things, because I’m still supposed to let my back rest up for another day.  Once I get situated up there fully, I’m giving my stepfather his car back and I’ll be riding my bike, taking the bus, and carpooling everywhere for the summer, until I have enough saved up for a car.  I wouldn’t be able to do this in my current town, but my college and work town has some degree of public transportation, and I’ll be a twenty minute walk from both the square AND uni, so it’s perfectly doable.  :D

I love my new room.  It’s so much bigger than my current room!  It’s going to be a little tighter financially for awhile, but it’s well worth the independence.  I’m just too old to still be at home, worrying myself sick about my family’s many little issues and affairs.  Today is the day to start spreading my wings to fly!

Soleil, All Over Us…

Between work and school, I’ve been getting up by 7AM every morning like clockwork, without a break at all during the week or weekend.  I’m not a morning person at all, so three-plus weeks on such a schedule means extreme sleep deprivation.  My body and mind were really starting to complain.  The manner of their complaints were bordering on terrifying, too: eye twitches, muscle tremors, drooling, hallucinations, etc.   No bueno.

This morning was the first morning, in weeks, I have actually been able to sleep-in past 10AM.

Due to a convocation at the college my classes for the day were canceled, leaving me free for the morning.  I had no work shift to head off to today either, so here’s the first break in nearly a month!  I decided to sleep until I could sleep no more… which oddly enough ended up being only until 11AM, even though before I looked at the clock I thought it was closer to 3PM and felt very, very guilty.  How odd.

Even when I did finally get up for the day FOR GOOD, however?  I remained very lethargic and lazy.   I spent another couple of hours thumbing through chapters of this one really depressing classic novel I’m reading while slowly nibbling through the leftover chocolate baby donuts and then attempting to devour a mushy mixture of leftover Grape Nuts and Mini Wheats.  Yay leftovers.  My stomach hates you all.

I also acquired a new addictive means of procrastination: Maple Story.  Damn, it’s dangerous!  I need to stay away.  Tell me I need to stay the hell away…

I also started to ponder the intriguing possibility of working on my art projects.  Then I received a call from my stepfather.  My mother was sent home prematurely from school.   Her principal determined that she was unfit to teach her classes today.  Apparently my mother kept crying uncontrollably during her lessons.  My stepfather’s call was a head’s up.  Duly noted.

When my mother came home, she looked very weary and numb.  Her shoulders were sagging and her face was blotchy and tear-streaked.  She’s worrying herself sick over my brother’s possible future court case.  The D.A.’s deciding to press charges, in spite of my parents’ protests.

She went to take a short nap before heading back out to see the doctor and psychiatrist to get my brother’s paperwork.  To, you know, prove to the “cold-hearted bitch” that is the D.A. on this case that my brother’s case is not exactly the typical one, because, you know, he has Asberger’s and a number of psychological issues.

My mother didn’t get much sleep before she had to head out again.

Later, I ate dinner with my stepfather and stepbrother at a Chinese Buffet. They enjoyed themselves while I pigged-out on pineapple, broccoli, and jello.  Mmmmm jello.  Sorry I have such an intolerance to fried meat, guys.  Kind of ruins the experience, doesn’t it?  Luckily, I’m polite enough to not complain…

After dinner we took a mini-adventure to the lake in the town my family used to live in when I was in high school, before the divorce.  I was lost in nostalgia, walking down the deer paths threading across the woodlands and wetlands and hills.  I was also completely lost in the desire to either buy a horse and/or bring my art supplies to various spots along these paths, for the view at dusk was downright breathtaking.

Man, I miss that place.  I miss living within walking distance from a lake.  There’s just something peaceful about water, about forest land devoid of fences and cookie-cutter houses.  I miss it.  My spirit aches for it, just a little bit… especially right now, when I could use such a peaceful place to oh-so-easily escape to, like I used to when I was a teenager…

I did my very best to not think about Sara.  I just don’t know what to think anymore.  Sometimes I feel used.  Sometimes I think this is all in my head.  This depressing classic novel I’m reading right now is NOT helping, either, because I see a bit of my experiences in life, and my experiences with Sara, in the experiences of the novel’s main character.  The whole thing’s making me feel just a little bitter.

Life’s trying to make me feel quite bitter right now, but at least nature’s still beautiful.  I will continue to be comforted by the sky, the trees, the birds, and the wildflowers, even long after everything else fails me.  And that’s exactly what will happen.  And that’s exactly what I’ll do.

On another positive note: guess what?  There’s a 95% chance I DON’T have lupus!  Yay!