They Couldn’t Think of Something to Say the Day You Burst

Feeling better today.  “Comfortably numb.”  xD  Still kind of thinking about the whole situation but I’m kind of in this “whatever, moving on” mode now.

Saw the new Harry Potter movie today.  Will possibly talk about that in a different post in case I say something spoilery (though, REALLY, if you read the frikin’ book first…).

I go in for the usual drug testing at my new job tomorrow.  Which means I’m basically hired.  :)  Unfortunately it means spending one more night sleeping over here on the couch and missing my Mana (who luckily has aunt Elissa to look in on her).  I miss her cuddly purring warmth.  :<

One more thing I’m not going to look forward to while living in this house: my mother’s definition of “cold” starts about ten degrees lower than the rest of us.  Like, 60F is comfortable-in-a-tank-tee-and-shorts-inside to her, while for me it’s more around 70-72F.    :/  Even worse, all the heat in the house starts by circulating through her room so once she’s warm enough or too warm, that’s it.   I’m going to be wearing jackets and layers and whatnot inside the rest of this winter.   NOT a tank and shorts.  xD  Howell.  I made this choice.

One thing I definitely AM looking forward to:  seeing  Lindsay, and soon.  It’s been about nine months since last time, when I managed to get down there via bus.  ….and last time she was freakishly tired, taking care of a newborn and all. This time she’s like “I’ll frikin’ come up there in my car and pick you up if I need to, but we NEEEEEEED to hang out!”  And behold: she’s been kind of already setting such plans into motion, totally self-inspired and everything.  Aha.  Lindsay.  Always awesome, and totally a “get things done” kind of person when she wants to be, far more than me. And she’s as excited to see me as I am her. xD  So I get to see my godson and my Lindsay.  That’s more than I could hope for.

I’ve been distracted by lots of pleasant nostalgia this last week.  Mostly, about Lindsay and Melody, with a scattering of others.  It all started when I rummaged through my memory box and old journals a few days ago, getting everything organized and ready for my move.  I read old entries and old notes and old pictures and remembered all sorts of wonderful things.  And it soothed me.  It made me feel better about life right now, in spite of all the stupid feelings of distance and loss I’ve been feeling lately.  Because I am grateful for what I DID have, and what I STILL have.  And I know all of those things mean something, too… not just to me, but to the dear people I shared them with.  And that shit just can’t be ripped away from me because it’s a part of me… and it always will be a part of me.  :)

I should prolly do some studying for my final next week, but I kind of want to, you know, just numbly veg.  Maybe exercise.  Maybe read.  Don’t know.

Also I apologize for my crappy writing abilities lately.  My head’s been all blalaaaaarrrggh for some reason, so I’ve been, you know, writing in more conversational and random manner, more than usual.   Blargh.  xP

The Truth Is…

I’m moving back in with my parents, but I really don’t want to. My family’s more chaotic than I am and I am quieter than they are and more prone to rational discourse over irrational yelling than they are and I’m more sensitive to disruption than they are and all of these differences really get on my nerves after awhile. But this is the best route to getting a car, I guess, which is the only way I’m going to stop feeling like a burden on anyone anymore…

My mother wanted to see Easy A at the theater tonight, but I really didn’t want to. I really have absolutely no desire to see any movie before I see the Deathly Hallows movie. I know that’s irrational and lame, but the prospect of seeing anything else right now simply does not appeal to me, even if I wouldn’t have to pay for my ticket. I simply would not enjoy it and it would therefore be a complete waste of my time and money. My mother’s bashing of Harry Potter doesn’t exactly make me want to please her by NOT seeing Harry Potter, either.

So I somehow managed to make the premise of my friends’ party as the excuse for not going to the movies tonight. But I’m likely not going to that party anyway. I don’t really feel like soliciting anyone for a ride anymore… I just feel like a burden, extra baggage. And my friends I think are not in the place to go out of their way to even ask me, not even Liz, which I understand, considering: my moods the last few times we’ve all been together likely hasn’t made anyone feel like going out of their way to make sure I’m there, either. I am also in a situation where I really have little to nothing to contribute to the party. So yeah, I’d just be a mooch, a burden, and I think this is finally wearing on everyone’s patience. In short, I currently have NO redeeming qualities. And that makes me feel cheap. And I don’t want to grovel and beg for attention or company. I’m kind of tired of trying and doing that sort of thing right now. If they don’t want me, they don’t want me. I can hardly blame them anyway. I should just shrug it off and except my losses and move on, like the cold and rational adult I should be.

It’s a shame, too. I think I would’ve been in a better mood tonight if I could have gone, too, because I actually got a job offer today, and the job’s actually a pretty sweet deal. I was also just generally feeling pretty damn swell most of this day, independent and owning my own life and totally nonchalant (easy breezy, divorced from all of the negative emotions that have been plaguing me on and off for the last couple of years, and whatnot), rational and unable to be brought down, even if I was also far from euphoric as well (admittedly). I kind of reached this happy functional whatever numb place, somewhere in the middle. Like, it felt like nothing could touch me, and I could just float on that delicate emotion long enough so that no other emotions could touch me, hurt me.

But then I got home and the room project didn’t go as planned and my mother woke up and everyone started yelling at each other and meanwhile the the hour for my friends’ party loomed near and I realized that I wasn’t actually going and I realized I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep up the happy momentum from my job offer for the rest of the night anyway. I now (and still, in spite of the job offer) feel pretty damn cheap, worthless, and abandoned… and dammit, it’s just a really shitty, crappy, fucked up kind of feeling for ANYONE to have, sensitive or not.

So my plans for the evening, I guess, are going to be house chores, homework, a few eps of Legend of the Seeker, and maybe some Maple Story. Meanwhile in my mind I’m sometimes wildly contemplating just leaving everything behind once I get my car and my independence. You know, start out fresh, and make it so I don’t bother anyone again. The problem with that is… I just fucking care too damn much for my own good. I don’t know how to bring myself to just… let people go. That’s such an incredibly hard thing to do. For some reason I can’t bear the thought of never talking to them again, especially… especially some people…

Yeah, I could REALLY use a pick-me-up right about now… instead I’m stuck with this feeling that’s halfway between wanting to cry out for help and wanting to just silently fade away and disappear.

I’m just going to try not to think about it.

(Hopefully things will be better next year.)

EDIT: So I’m reaching that cold, numb place again. Maybe I could stay here long enough to get through all this and turn my life around and all that jazz. Who knows? We’ll see.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I kind of want to go clubbing sometime in the next few months. I don’t crave it often but it’s been awhile. Hmm. Dunno.

I Gotta Feeling…

I’m still in a sour mood.

Yes, I know this is my fault.  Yes, I know I need to be doing things to fix it. 

Because, usually I am the one telling other people such. 

But, you see I’m DOING things to fix it.  It’s not like it’s gonna be handed to me on a silver platter.  So don’t say such shit to me or I’ll just ignore the fuck out of you.  Actually, I’m probably going to be doing that anyway.  I’m in hermit mode right now, which means there’s only one of two people I’d be perfectly okay with talking to right now, and neither of them live nearby so the rest of you just SOD OFF.  I’m going to be stupidly angsty right now and I want to be left alone anyway.  Nothing you could so or say could help me or make me feel better.

I think I might just stay in this mood until after the holiday season…

Anywho…

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Today?  I cleaned and rearranged furniture.  :)

See, Angela has already moved out… waaaaaay early.  She likely used the whole near crises of last week as an excuse to panic and abruptly ship out like it’s the end of the world or something.  Maybe she had been wanting to move and just needed an excuse, don’t know.  She left her check and whatnot for the final month, but for all other purposes she really does not live at the house anymore.  I get it.  We all suck as housemates, each in our own way.  She was ready to move on.  I am, too.

Actually, I’m happy now because now I don’t have to deal with her mess (or her choice of company at her choice of time) and ESPECIALLY fail!dog Waffle’s messes (well, except all the pee stains on the carpet in places).   Granted, she took the envelopes (ALL of them, even though I’m pretty damn sure I bought one of those boxes) kind of left with this royal “fuck it” attitude, but still…

 This is a fact I was slow to realize, but today? I realized it.  In a slow, creeping smile kind of way.

Well, I was free this afternoon, so I took a lot of her remaining junk around the house, some big stuff to be thrown out, and some other miscellaneous junk and put it in her mostly empty bedroom.   Taa-daa!  That bedroom is now my official storage room. 

Also…

I put away her blender and other appliances left out in the kitchen that no one’s going to use now that she’s gone.  I cleaned the kitchen halfway (to be completed when I get home tonight), swept debris off the carpets, did a buttload of dishes, rearranged the living room to make use of more space, cleaned out the litter box (my sole responsibility anyway, to be fair),  and so on.  I just need to work on finishing the kitchen and my room these next few nights, and if I get extra spending money the next few days I’ll be buy laundry detergent to do all of the blankets and loveseat covers and whatnot, and the house will be pretty damn spiffy.

After all that, the plan is to keep the house spiffy while also working through the extra miscellaneous junk to see what’s a keeper and what’s not.  I plan to live a much more spartan lifestyle for awhile, aside from art and books, of course (and maybe pillows).  So I want to get some things packed already, and work gradually on packing up.  So, when move time comes around during Christmas week,  I’ll already be pretty damn organized and ready to go.  :)

That said, now that I’m the sole keeper of this house (dog pee carpet and complete lack of dishwasher aside), I’m actually enjoying being at my house again.  For the longest time, only Mana made coming back to the house worthwhile, but now that I’m totally in charge,I almost love it!  It sucks that I’ll have to give this solitary life up for a few months, but I guess I’m lucky to at least get a taste of what I have to look forward to late spring.

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By the way, the plan is this:

1.) Stay in the Locust House until Christmas week.

2.) Quit Jack ‘n’ the Box and move in to Canterbury House (mother and stepfather’s hosue) during Christmas week.  Thoroughly enjoy joblessness and complete temporary lack of the need for personal responsibility and the holidays for the following week WHILE polishing off the move out of Locust House (including cleaning and whatnot). 

3.) Apply for local jobs near Canterbury House OR within decent driving distance (set start date until end of January).  Granted, this is going to be an awkward job hunting time because of the end of the temp season, but we’ll see what turns up.

4.) Use savings, $ ma owes me, and extra loan money for school to buy a decent junker mid to late January.  In other words, BUY A FRIKIN’ CAR.

5.) Start school and, if haven’t started yet (let’s hope not!), start job(s).

6.) Take a month or two of just working and going to school, saving up for the move back out (enough to cover deposits, startup house gear, and so on).

7.) Find a decent place as close to TWU as possible (to minimize use of gas AND the stress of campus parking), preferably either an efficiency or a one bedroom (granted, I don’t really own enough furniture for a one bedroom).  MOVE OUT, preferably by the summer.  TOTAL INDEPENDENCE SUCCESS!  \o/

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Now, as for Harry frikin’ Potter……?  :D

Monday and Wednesday nights are STUDENT NIGHTS at the Movie Tavern.  THAT is DOABLE!  :D

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OTHER MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS/NEWS:

-I downloaded this free game app for my iPod called Minigore and it’s freakishly addictive! Basically you’re this little muppet-esque dude mowing all these muppet monsters down with machine guns, shotguns, grenades, and power modes. If you don’t kill the muppet monsters, they eat you! Yeah, I know senseless killing isn’t usually my thing, but this one is AWESOME. I mean, other than that, all I have are the usual puzzle games, a billiards app and Rocketbird.
-I baked (after thawing, mind you) an old peice of frozen chicken I found last night and it was DELICIOUS.
-I got my teeth!
-That is all.

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Like Ice Cream Topped With Honey…

Whelp, faced a few more obstacles/ sources of frustration this morning, but that’s okay.

That’s okay because I’m having a temporary quiet couple of days, school wise.  I just gotta do a little bit of homework and reading over the weekend and that’s it.  Nothing’s due in the immeadiate future.

That’s also okay because what comes out tonight what comes out oh let me think oh it’s HARRY FRIKIN’ POTTER.

So yeah.  I’m gellin’.

Shut. It. UP!

So apparently I like to blow things a bit out of proportion.

Or apparently I treat pending disasters as seriously as I SHOULD treat them… which is how I often manage to make them not quite so big of a deal most of the time. (*knock on wood*)

Don’t know.

Anywho, I still have a home, and a plan, and more prospects, and I filled out more apps, and there was new Aoi Hana to read tonight, and I even took a break to watch one episode of Season Two of LOTS, and in a minute I’m going to go home because tomorrow morning is LIFE JUICE DRAINING FOR CASH and tomorrow night is HARRY FRIKIN’ POTTER and the day after I’M GETTING MY FUCKING TEETH so YOU KNOW WHAT?  Life’s gonna be okay.  :D