The Truth Is…

I’m moving back in with my parents, but I really don’t want to. My family’s more chaotic than I am and I am quieter than they are and more prone to rational discourse over irrational yelling than they are and I’m more sensitive to disruption than they are and all of these differences really get on my nerves after awhile. But this is the best route to getting a car, I guess, which is the only way I’m going to stop feeling like a burden on anyone anymore…

My mother wanted to see Easy A at the theater tonight, but I really didn’t want to. I really have absolutely no desire to see any movie before I see the Deathly Hallows movie. I know that’s irrational and lame, but the prospect of seeing anything else right now simply does not appeal to me, even if I wouldn’t have to pay for my ticket. I simply would not enjoy it and it would therefore be a complete waste of my time and money. My mother’s bashing of Harry Potter doesn’t exactly make me want to please her by NOT seeing Harry Potter, either.

So I somehow managed to make the premise of my friends’ party as the excuse for not going to the movies tonight. But I’m likely not going to that party anyway. I don’t really feel like soliciting anyone for a ride anymore… I just feel like a burden, extra baggage. And my friends I think are not in the place to go out of their way to even ask me, not even Liz, which I understand, considering: my moods the last few times we’ve all been together likely hasn’t made anyone feel like going out of their way to make sure I’m there, either. I am also in a situation where I really have little to nothing to contribute to the party. So yeah, I’d just be a mooch, a burden, and I think this is finally wearing on everyone’s patience. In short, I currently have NO redeeming qualities. And that makes me feel cheap. And I don’t want to grovel and beg for attention or company. I’m kind of tired of trying and doing that sort of thing right now. If they don’t want me, they don’t want me. I can hardly blame them anyway. I should just shrug it off and except my losses and move on, like the cold and rational adult I should be.

It’s a shame, too. I think I would’ve been in a better mood tonight if I could have gone, too, because I actually got a job offer today, and the job’s actually a pretty sweet deal. I was also just generally feeling pretty damn swell most of this day, independent and owning my own life and totally nonchalant (easy breezy, divorced from all of the negative emotions that have been plaguing me on and off for the last couple of years, and whatnot), rational and unable to be brought down, even if I was also far from euphoric as well (admittedly). I kind of reached this happy functional whatever numb place, somewhere in the middle. Like, it felt like nothing could touch me, and I could just float on that delicate emotion long enough so that no other emotions could touch me, hurt me.

But then I got home and the room project didn’t go as planned and my mother woke up and everyone started yelling at each other and meanwhile the the hour for my friends’ party loomed near and I realized that I wasn’t actually going and I realized I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep up the happy momentum from my job offer for the rest of the night anyway. I now (and still, in spite of the job offer) feel pretty damn cheap, worthless, and abandoned… and dammit, it’s just a really shitty, crappy, fucked up kind of feeling for ANYONE to have, sensitive or not.

So my plans for the evening, I guess, are going to be house chores, homework, a few eps of Legend of the Seeker, and maybe some Maple Story. Meanwhile in my mind I’m sometimes wildly contemplating just leaving everything behind once I get my car and my independence. You know, start out fresh, and make it so I don’t bother anyone again. The problem with that is… I just fucking care too damn much for my own good. I don’t know how to bring myself to just… let people go. That’s such an incredibly hard thing to do. For some reason I can’t bear the thought of never talking to them again, especially… especially some people…

Yeah, I could REALLY use a pick-me-up right about now… instead I’m stuck with this feeling that’s halfway between wanting to cry out for help and wanting to just silently fade away and disappear.

I’m just going to try not to think about it.

(Hopefully things will be better next year.)

EDIT: So I’m reaching that cold, numb place again. Maybe I could stay here long enough to get through all this and turn my life around and all that jazz. Who knows? We’ll see.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I kind of want to go clubbing sometime in the next few months. I don’t crave it often but it’s been awhile. Hmm. Dunno.

Back to Life, Back to Reality…

Two days ago, I sprained my back.  When I was loading some measly 16 quart bags of garden soil for this old woman, a bone in my spine popped.  For the rest of the day I was in excruciating pain.  Now I’m just in mildly annoying pain, unless I try to lift something, then I’m in excruciating pain again.  The terrible throbbing in my leg from two days ago is now just a constant dull ache.  So far, I think I’ll make a full recovery shortly.  And I better:  I have to start moving this week into the house with Angela and Sara.

Also?  I am limping horribly.  I am also on restricted duty at work.  That means no bending, stooping, squatting, reaching, and certainly no lifting.  In other words, I’m useless right now at work.  So they have me at the phones.  I’m utterly bored, and yet, we were swamped with customers today, all of whom glared at me with the same exact questions in their eyes, “can’t YOU help?!”

In response to their glares, I started doodling on the scratch paper stacked neatly next to the phone.

I was so utterly bored and helpless and understimulated at work today that I think I need to level up BabaRei again in order to satiate my brain this evening.  Then I’m going to attack that room of mine a little.  After all, my friends, I’m still moving!

On a completely unrelated note, I think I have a crush on my hairstylist.  Maybe it was the husky sound of her voice, or the way she ran her fingers through my hair and across my neck today in a way that was intriguingly sensual… who knows?

I also talked to Sara today, over the phone.  I apologized for my behavior Monday.  I was, on Monday, racked by extreme frustration, anger and guilt.  I was also extremely hormonally imbalanced.

Over the last week, I’ve been thinking about Monday and, well, all the events that have happened since I first met Sara.  The first time we hung out.  The first time we actually admitted we were attracted to each other.  The first time we kissed.  The first time we did more… and more.  And I realized something: this was just one giant fling.  One that is best forgotten.  After all, she has a boyfriend, and I’m just someone to pass the time with.  After all, she has been cheating on him all this time.  I’m the extra person.  I’m the third wheel.  I’m the one who needs to go.

But it’s over now.  I have to move past this, because I can’t keep living in this horrible state of in-between.  We will be friends, good friends.  I’m good friends with Liz now, and I used to be crazy for her, too.  It’s possible.  We’ll be friends, and nothing more unless she makes some really serious decision in the future, one she’ll never make.

And, you know, in a way Sara helped me make this most recent decision.  Over the weekend (though I didn’t notice it at first) she posted this music video to my Facebook:

Sums it all up beautifully.  :)

Now, off to Maple Story!

And I Will Learn by Studying the Lessons in My Dreams…

I am procrastinating.  From homework and from seeing my friend.

Kammah called just a little while ago; I feel guilty because I haven’t seen her in forever and even though I do want to see her soon (tonight maybe, even) I don’t want to see her now.  I’m busy visualizing the six art projects I have to finish by one o’clock Wednesday.  I’m busy leveling up my dear BabaRei to level 19.

I’m busy enjoying Art Six, and the coffee they serve and the music they play.  To be honest I don’t want to leave.  I want to write, draw, and play games and be antisocial.  I’m really feeling antisocial right now.  The only people I possibly want to see is Sara because I’m in love with her, Melody because she never fails to make me smile, maybe Liz because we are kindred spirits, and maybe Rose because she asks little of me and makes me laugh and forget all my worries in the most beautiful ways.  But not Kammah.  I love her and she IS one of my oldest friends, but when she is in the mood to be demanding, she is demanding in such an earnest, naive way that I just have to oblige her, even though I am sighing in frustration on the inside.

I mean, she’s dragging me away from my studies to go shopping…  SHOE SHOPPING, of all god-awful things!  She wants to go to the mall, and try on things, and gush, and squee, and I’m feeling really not-so-girly at all right now, and antisocial, and I really don’t want to bother with it all, but what choice do I have?  It brings her joy, and I for some oddass reason also bring her joy, and we all need a little more joy in the world, and I am poor and this is the most expensive thing I can give anyone… even though it bothers me so.  SHOE SHOPPING, I say?   Somebody SAVE ME.

But she just called me again, and I’m part of her small wedding, and she needs me and laughs at all of my jokes, so now I must go.

TTFN.

Run, Run, Run Away

Wow.  I think I am neglecting myself.

What I mean by that is, I started this here online journal so I could be as honest and as truthful and as lengthy and as rambling as I wanted.  No one in real life knows of this blog.  People can only judge me for the intimacy awarded to me by my almost complete anonymity.  Here, I’m just another 20-something college student, soon to be living in a college town, with college friends, and college worries.  Really, that could be millions of people.  It could be your son, or your daughter, or your sister or brother, or your best friend, or YOU.

And yet, I haven’t been writing as often as current events would warrant.  Things are indeed happening, things I could write a small book about, but I’m not writing.

Blame Maple Story.  My character, BabaRei, is already at level 18.

Blame my desperate need to latch on to something that won’t shrink from my touch.  Something less fickle than I am.  Something that will cost me less than alcohol or clove cigarettes, or hooka or pot, or a number of other highly self-destructive things I know how to access and use.

I am in a mood of extreme escapism.  Mostly because of the events happening in my life right now.

So perhaps I should stop running long enough to write about them.

Yeah.  I think I’ll do just that.

Soleil, All Over Us…

Between work and school, I’ve been getting up by 7AM every morning like clockwork, without a break at all during the week or weekend.  I’m not a morning person at all, so three-plus weeks on such a schedule means extreme sleep deprivation.  My body and mind were really starting to complain.  The manner of their complaints were bordering on terrifying, too: eye twitches, muscle tremors, drooling, hallucinations, etc.   No bueno.

This morning was the first morning, in weeks, I have actually been able to sleep-in past 10AM.

Due to a convocation at the college my classes for the day were canceled, leaving me free for the morning.  I had no work shift to head off to today either, so here’s the first break in nearly a month!  I decided to sleep until I could sleep no more… which oddly enough ended up being only until 11AM, even though before I looked at the clock I thought it was closer to 3PM and felt very, very guilty.  How odd.

Even when I did finally get up for the day FOR GOOD, however?  I remained very lethargic and lazy.   I spent another couple of hours thumbing through chapters of this one really depressing classic novel I’m reading while slowly nibbling through the leftover chocolate baby donuts and then attempting to devour a mushy mixture of leftover Grape Nuts and Mini Wheats.  Yay leftovers.  My stomach hates you all.

I also acquired a new addictive means of procrastination: Maple Story.  Damn, it’s dangerous!  I need to stay away.  Tell me I need to stay the hell away…

I also started to ponder the intriguing possibility of working on my art projects.  Then I received a call from my stepfather.  My mother was sent home prematurely from school.   Her principal determined that she was unfit to teach her classes today.  Apparently my mother kept crying uncontrollably during her lessons.  My stepfather’s call was a head’s up.  Duly noted.

When my mother came home, she looked very weary and numb.  Her shoulders were sagging and her face was blotchy and tear-streaked.  She’s worrying herself sick over my brother’s possible future court case.  The D.A.’s deciding to press charges, in spite of my parents’ protests.

She went to take a short nap before heading back out to see the doctor and psychiatrist to get my brother’s paperwork.  To, you know, prove to the “cold-hearted bitch” that is the D.A. on this case that my brother’s case is not exactly the typical one, because, you know, he has Asberger’s and a number of psychological issues.

My mother didn’t get much sleep before she had to head out again.

Later, I ate dinner with my stepfather and stepbrother at a Chinese Buffet. They enjoyed themselves while I pigged-out on pineapple, broccoli, and jello.  Mmmmm jello.  Sorry I have such an intolerance to fried meat, guys.  Kind of ruins the experience, doesn’t it?  Luckily, I’m polite enough to not complain…

After dinner we took a mini-adventure to the lake in the town my family used to live in when I was in high school, before the divorce.  I was lost in nostalgia, walking down the deer paths threading across the woodlands and wetlands and hills.  I was also completely lost in the desire to either buy a horse and/or bring my art supplies to various spots along these paths, for the view at dusk was downright breathtaking.

Man, I miss that place.  I miss living within walking distance from a lake.  There’s just something peaceful about water, about forest land devoid of fences and cookie-cutter houses.  I miss it.  My spirit aches for it, just a little bit… especially right now, when I could use such a peaceful place to oh-so-easily escape to, like I used to when I was a teenager…

I did my very best to not think about Sara.  I just don’t know what to think anymore.  Sometimes I feel used.  Sometimes I think this is all in my head.  This depressing classic novel I’m reading right now is NOT helping, either, because I see a bit of my experiences in life, and my experiences with Sara, in the experiences of the novel’s main character.  The whole thing’s making me feel just a little bitter.

Life’s trying to make me feel quite bitter right now, but at least nature’s still beautiful.  I will continue to be comforted by the sky, the trees, the birds, and the wildflowers, even long after everything else fails me.  And that’s exactly what will happen.  And that’s exactly what I’ll do.

On another positive note: guess what?  There’s a 95% chance I DON’T have lupus!  Yay!