Baby That’s Why I’m Here

At home now, cuddling with my cat. 

She is by far the cuddliest cat I’ve ever had.  For the most part, I’m not complaining.  It’s nice having this pleasant, warm, furry little friend around that absolutely delights in my company and warmth.  I love having the company and warmth, too, you know, a living and receptive presence in an otherwise empty home.  And purring is never not pleasant.  :)  She sometimes gets in the way when I’m trying to get things done, but otherwise it’s quite alright.

My mother had a proposition for me on the drive home this evening.  See, I currently lack any financial stability, mostly because I don’t have a car.  Getting a car, however, requires greater financial stability.  So I’ve kind of been in a lose-lose situation all around.   As one guy at the soup kitchen put it last week: “once you get too deep in the hole, there’s really no digging yourself out… not without a miracle.”

Well, one asset I guess I kind of sort of DO have that I’ve haven’t been taking advantage of: family.

Instead of moving into my own place right away when my lease expires in a month and a half, my mother suggested that I temporarily move back home instead.    Her reasoning is this:  instead of worrying about rent and bills, I could instead use my monthly funds, along with the extra finaid (taking out extra for the semester instead of just what I need), towards the purchase of a new car.  BAM.  One of problems solved before February.  THEN I could stay at home for part of or the rest of the Spring semester and save up towards not just moving out into my own place, but moving into my own place with enough of a financial cushion to not have to depend on anyone else ever again.

The downside to what my mother’s proposing: moving back home, of course.  That’s exactly the opposite of what I want.  Plus, I really, really, REALLY don’t want to be under the same roof as my brother ever again.  He is a vile creature with almost no redeeming qualities.  And my mother tends to keep everyone living with her on quite a tight leash.  :/

But maybe I sacrifice for a little while in order to better ensure what I want?  After all, this is perhaps the most plausabile method I can think of to get a car in the near future, aside from winning the lottery.

So maybe I sacrifice a little?  Put off my silly little dream for just a little while longer?  After all, my social life is already dying, so what do I have to lose?  For one semester I take the minimum number of classes, work sixty hours a week, only come home to clean or sleep, and just… not see people.  I stop sacrificing time and money and going out of my way to see people, for awhile, for the first significant length of time since 2006.  Then, in the summer when I’d usually be barely getting by and seeing no one, I move into a rad one bedroom I could totally afford by that time and host an awesome housewarming party, seeing all of my favorite people (aside from the dearest ones, in College Station and France :/).  As I am right now, I’m just a burden for everyone at best.   :/

They’ll be there when I come back…

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try my darndest to get up bright and early tomorrow and get things done.  I need to get so, so much done…

A Family of Trees Falling…

There is really no way to tell this story, to do it justice.  There’s really no way to be poetic about it, and a short story written on the subject would easily turn into a novel the size of War and Peace.

I am talking about my family.

I wish I could convey to you, in a beautiful, poetic and subtle manner, all that is going on with my family right now. I wish I could communicate all of the complexities involved, over the years and throughout many generations, all the many issues and ailments and small triumphs and defeats.

But I can’t.  I don’t have the time, the patience, the skill, the wisdom, nor the ambition right now to tell you everything.  But oh, I wish I could tell you everything.

I wish there was someone out there that would want to listen to this story, too, to hear it and know it, and know me.  To handle me crying and talking incoherently… and just, know…

Still, I have to say something.

So here, in no particular order and sans sense,  is a cloud of words and feelings and actions and ideas about the subject:

Check the tags.

Soleil, All Over Us…

Between work and school, I’ve been getting up by 7AM every morning like clockwork, without a break at all during the week or weekend.  I’m not a morning person at all, so three-plus weeks on such a schedule means extreme sleep deprivation.  My body and mind were really starting to complain.  The manner of their complaints were bordering on terrifying, too: eye twitches, muscle tremors, drooling, hallucinations, etc.   No bueno.

This morning was the first morning, in weeks, I have actually been able to sleep-in past 10AM.

Due to a convocation at the college my classes for the day were canceled, leaving me free for the morning.  I had no work shift to head off to today either, so here’s the first break in nearly a month!  I decided to sleep until I could sleep no more… which oddly enough ended up being only until 11AM, even though before I looked at the clock I thought it was closer to 3PM and felt very, very guilty.  How odd.

Even when I did finally get up for the day FOR GOOD, however?  I remained very lethargic and lazy.   I spent another couple of hours thumbing through chapters of this one really depressing classic novel I’m reading while slowly nibbling through the leftover chocolate baby donuts and then attempting to devour a mushy mixture of leftover Grape Nuts and Mini Wheats.  Yay leftovers.  My stomach hates you all.

I also acquired a new addictive means of procrastination: Maple Story.  Damn, it’s dangerous!  I need to stay away.  Tell me I need to stay the hell away…

I also started to ponder the intriguing possibility of working on my art projects.  Then I received a call from my stepfather.  My mother was sent home prematurely from school.   Her principal determined that she was unfit to teach her classes today.  Apparently my mother kept crying uncontrollably during her lessons.  My stepfather’s call was a head’s up.  Duly noted.

When my mother came home, she looked very weary and numb.  Her shoulders were sagging and her face was blotchy and tear-streaked.  She’s worrying herself sick over my brother’s possible future court case.  The D.A.’s deciding to press charges, in spite of my parents’ protests.

She went to take a short nap before heading back out to see the doctor and psychiatrist to get my brother’s paperwork.  To, you know, prove to the “cold-hearted bitch” that is the D.A. on this case that my brother’s case is not exactly the typical one, because, you know, he has Asberger’s and a number of psychological issues.

My mother didn’t get much sleep before she had to head out again.

Later, I ate dinner with my stepfather and stepbrother at a Chinese Buffet. They enjoyed themselves while I pigged-out on pineapple, broccoli, and jello.  Mmmmm jello.  Sorry I have such an intolerance to fried meat, guys.  Kind of ruins the experience, doesn’t it?  Luckily, I’m polite enough to not complain…

After dinner we took a mini-adventure to the lake in the town my family used to live in when I was in high school, before the divorce.  I was lost in nostalgia, walking down the deer paths threading across the woodlands and wetlands and hills.  I was also completely lost in the desire to either buy a horse and/or bring my art supplies to various spots along these paths, for the view at dusk was downright breathtaking.

Man, I miss that place.  I miss living within walking distance from a lake.  There’s just something peaceful about water, about forest land devoid of fences and cookie-cutter houses.  I miss it.  My spirit aches for it, just a little bit… especially right now, when I could use such a peaceful place to oh-so-easily escape to, like I used to when I was a teenager…

I did my very best to not think about Sara.  I just don’t know what to think anymore.  Sometimes I feel used.  Sometimes I think this is all in my head.  This depressing classic novel I’m reading right now is NOT helping, either, because I see a bit of my experiences in life, and my experiences with Sara, in the experiences of the novel’s main character.  The whole thing’s making me feel just a little bitter.

Life’s trying to make me feel quite bitter right now, but at least nature’s still beautiful.  I will continue to be comforted by the sky, the trees, the birds, and the wildflowers, even long after everything else fails me.  And that’s exactly what will happen.  And that’s exactly what I’ll do.

On another positive note: guess what?  There’s a 95% chance I DON’T have lupus!  Yay!