Blowing Up My Cranium

Well, today didn’t go quite as planned, but it wasn’t a complete loss.

I overslept, but I adapted.

I have no money, but I still managed to refill my minutes on my phone (in order to get calls for new jobs, etc., and perhaps the NUMBER ONE thing I needed to get done today) AND feed myself and my cat.

I managed to save enough beef from the soup kitchen to take home and mash up into something Mana would actually eat.  She gobbled it up and was asking for more within thirty minutes.  Currently I am making a fish meal for the two of us, and killing time by jotting down my thoughts for the day (something I am trying to do more often).

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EDIT 9pm: Totally made something both Mana and I could eat.  She had fish mashed up with other random vegetables and a little leftover milk.  She gobbled it up (and tomorrow, with luck, I’ll have some money to buy her some real food again).  I took my portion of fish and combined it with corn, leftover sauce (half of which ended up clumsily on my face and shirt), bread crumbs and spices to make an awesome hobo stew.  Really, the right spices can make almost any lame old thing into something almost awesome.  :D  I also have leftovers for tomorrow.  I feel so resourceful!

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I had yet another one of those mornings filled with very vivid, instense dreams.  I woke up a few times, but I was hardly myself.  My autopilot self totally ignored my alarms.  Meanwhile, I dreampt I was a teen/young adult in some sort of special boarding school or academy in the French countryside (random?  Or not?).  I even glanced at my schedule at one point, which listed three classes (two of which had something to do with transfolk).  I was fretting in my dream because I was failing all my classes and so I thought I might just get kicked out.  No bueno. 

As a result of all that dreaming, I overslept by a good five hours.  At about a quarter to noon I was suddenly aware enough to know what I had unfortunately done, and frikin’ jumped out of bed like it was on fire… but too late.  I got absolutely NOTHING done before it was time to go to the soup kitchen.  I had to frikin’ rearrange my entire day because of that.  :/

Well, besides a few minor hiccups, I DID manage to get a couple of my top priority items done for the day.  So I guess I’ll just… try again tomorrow.

Baby That’s Why I’m Here

At home now, cuddling with my cat. 

She is by far the cuddliest cat I’ve ever had.  For the most part, I’m not complaining.  It’s nice having this pleasant, warm, furry little friend around that absolutely delights in my company and warmth.  I love having the company and warmth, too, you know, a living and receptive presence in an otherwise empty home.  And purring is never not pleasant.  :)  She sometimes gets in the way when I’m trying to get things done, but otherwise it’s quite alright.

My mother had a proposition for me on the drive home this evening.  See, I currently lack any financial stability, mostly because I don’t have a car.  Getting a car, however, requires greater financial stability.  So I’ve kind of been in a lose-lose situation all around.   As one guy at the soup kitchen put it last week: “once you get too deep in the hole, there’s really no digging yourself out… not without a miracle.”

Well, one asset I guess I kind of sort of DO have that I’ve haven’t been taking advantage of: family.

Instead of moving into my own place right away when my lease expires in a month and a half, my mother suggested that I temporarily move back home instead.    Her reasoning is this:  instead of worrying about rent and bills, I could instead use my monthly funds, along with the extra finaid (taking out extra for the semester instead of just what I need), towards the purchase of a new car.  BAM.  One of problems solved before February.  THEN I could stay at home for part of or the rest of the Spring semester and save up towards not just moving out into my own place, but moving into my own place with enough of a financial cushion to not have to depend on anyone else ever again.

The downside to what my mother’s proposing: moving back home, of course.  That’s exactly the opposite of what I want.  Plus, I really, really, REALLY don’t want to be under the same roof as my brother ever again.  He is a vile creature with almost no redeeming qualities.  And my mother tends to keep everyone living with her on quite a tight leash.  :/

But maybe I sacrifice for a little while in order to better ensure what I want?  After all, this is perhaps the most plausabile method I can think of to get a car in the near future, aside from winning the lottery.

So maybe I sacrifice a little?  Put off my silly little dream for just a little while longer?  After all, my social life is already dying, so what do I have to lose?  For one semester I take the minimum number of classes, work sixty hours a week, only come home to clean or sleep, and just… not see people.  I stop sacrificing time and money and going out of my way to see people, for awhile, for the first significant length of time since 2006.  Then, in the summer when I’d usually be barely getting by and seeing no one, I move into a rad one bedroom I could totally afford by that time and host an awesome housewarming party, seeing all of my favorite people (aside from the dearest ones, in College Station and France :/).  As I am right now, I’m just a burden for everyone at best.   :/

They’ll be there when I come back…

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try my darndest to get up bright and early tomorrow and get things done.  I need to get so, so much done…

The Bittersweet Between My Teeth

Hi! I really don’t have much to say…

I am actually blogging for the sake of blogging, you know, rambling for the sake of rambling. I actually posted the above video just to distract you from that fact. (Actually, it’s a pretty damn spiffy video, but still…)

See, this month is Nanowrimo, and I am really in absolutely no place to participate in Nanowrimo.

And so I thought, “hey! Instead, I’ll just try to post one blog entry for every day this month. That way, at least I’m writing something!”

But even that partially (partially!) backfired. Alas, here I am to distract you. Pay no attention to the fake plastic thumb of my left hand or my randomly shaped paragraphs with questionable sentence structures; just watch me make this fluffy lil’ scarf disappear, eh?

Actually, maybe forcing myself to blog like this is a good idea. See, I usually only attempt to blog when I feel I have a shit ton to blog about, and when that happens I never really get a chance to say all I actually initially wanted to say (and it’s all horribly disorganized as well… you know, my blog thoughts). I pretty much always lose steam midway through. So this way I get all the stupid, menial, minor shit out of the way so when I have something of worth to actually blog about, it won’t be diluted by so much tiresome thought!crap.

Yeah. That’s a good idea!

So. What should I say?

(Except that, quite possibly, I am also writing and rambling and shuffling my feet online here simply because I miss you, because I want to talk to you, but I haven’t been able to do such a thing and so here is an open letter on the web, from me to you. Cheesy cheesy cheesy cheeeeeeeese, fluffy rumble cuddle, dammit! >.<)

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So, ahem, I definitely had one of those “hey, you! With the FACE!” moments today.

See, I royally suck at remembering names, even though I often remember faces, voices, nervous ticks, other quirks, etc.. Other people always seem to remember me more than I do them, which makes me feel like a total self-asorbed douche. Really, I don’t know why I’m so rememberable to some people… I shouldn’t be. I may be a total goof but I can also be quite quiet and shy. :/

Wuh-hell I was leaving the Student Union building today when I heard someone call my name.

I turned around to face this girl whose name I couldn’t for the life of me think of. Not only that, but even her face only looked familiar in the vaguest possible sense, like I saw her in the background crowd in some dream I had ten years ago or something obscure like that. Awwww shit.

Cue awkward (but friendly) conversation.

I soon discovered that she was someone I had apparently talked to at some housewarming party apparently over a year and a half ago, and this party apparently involved at least one of my friends because this new and strange person mentioned a name: Lyndsay, a friend of mine who used to attend school at UNT. Then, mystery girl mentioned the name of another one of my friends from UNT: April. Ah, oh, so… okay…

After a few minutes, I kind of had an idea of who this strange mystery girl knew that I knew and how she might possibly know me and yet I still didn’t know her name (and I didn’t have the guts to ask) and I still couldn’t really, honestly recall the, uh, housewarming party she had mentioned.

Additionally, this mystery girl was familiar enough with me to invite me to Lyndsay’s graduation in a little over a month, as well as allow me to stay the night while sleeping on her and Lyndsay’s… couch? Oh wait, they’re housemates?!

…And cue douchey feeling.

…

So THAT happened…

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Ahem. So I’m currently reading The Woman in White. And you know what? I think Sarah Waters once read The Woman in White, too. Just saying.

Is there ANYONE else out there in the universe who understands what I’m implying here, what I’m talking about? ANYONE?!

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Oh, by the way: I am still poor, BUT I got an callback at a local organic / whole foods grocery store, as well as an interview at the nearest temp agency. Both are only a five minute walk away from my house!

I just recently finished the first season of Legend on the Seeker on Hulu. I don’t think I have a way of watching the second season right now so I am actually suffering from some stupid sense of anxiety, helplessness, and loss. This is actually part of the reason the internet’s boring me right now. :(

Also? I’ve been eating more, thanks to the soup kitchen. I am going to be getting my teeth in 8 days! And if I can somehow borrow money for a ticket or something, there’s also Harry Potter!

I’ll be moving soon, too! Good times! Good times!

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Here’s another video!

And 25 Finally Hits Me…

I don’t believe this.

The internet is boring me.

I’m feeling too grown up for this shit. It’s just the same old shit anyway. 

The pleasure I usually derive from wasting my time online is not overwhelming the anxiety I’m feeling from wasting my time online. 

WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?

I just want to go home, clean, drink tea and read what I’m supposed to read.  And sleep.  And go to class.

The only thing that remotely amuses me online anymore is the random episode of Legend of the Seeker, Glee, or Supernatural.

Well, that and blogging.  But otherwise?  Bleh. Old news.  Bleh.

MELODY I MISS YOU.  :<

In other news, still looking for a better source of income.  In the meantime, I’ve been going to a local community soup kitchen thingy.   Actually I just went for the first time today.  I didn’t feel worthy of going there before. 

But then today this lady there kept saying stuff like “oh we get kids like you all the time!  Come everyday, eat more!  Here, have another fluffy danish!  Here have some bananas to take home with you! Want another bowl of soooouuuuup?!”

I ate a lot of food and then I had to keep myself from crying.  It was sad.  Beautiful, but sad.

I mean, if you can imagine the emotional state one has to be in that makes them fight back tears while eating a cheap yet ridiculously delicious fluffy danish, then yeah… that was me today.

I think part of it has to do with the fact I’ve always been a bit stubbornly independent and therefore feel guilty (not to mention strangely suspicious) for receiving help from other people.   I just don’t do it well. 

(I especially feel awkward when other people are serving me, which is yet another reason I don’t get pedicures and tend to do other people’s dishes when I’m at their houses and whatnot. )

I was even going to write this whole long schpeel about how awesome a supportive community is and how I think that a mutually supportive community is perhaps the single most crucial thing our society/country/whatever has lost over perhaps the last few millenia.  Like, extended family and shit, and people being warm and caring to one another and looking out for each other because they feel more loyalty towards each other than they do any state or nation or whatnot.  Because it’s instinct.  Because we are a gregarious species and survival of the group IS survival of the individual.  Yeah.  All that bleak and lonely dog-eat-dog elitist crap?  Not so much.   My experience today was so crazy encouraging. 

I felt nutured, encouraged and mothered, even.  It ACTUALLY HAD A POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT ON ME, PEOPLE.

I was also going to write about how humbling the experience was, and how responsible and mature I’ve felt all day, but whatevs.  I don’t even know anymore.

I think I’m going to go home now and read The Woman in White until I pass out.