The Truth Is…

I’m moving back in with my parents, but I really don’t want to. My family’s more chaotic than I am and I am quieter than they are and more prone to rational discourse over irrational yelling than they are and I’m more sensitive to disruption than they are and all of these differences really get on my nerves after awhile. But this is the best route to getting a car, I guess, which is the only way I’m going to stop feeling like a burden on anyone anymore…

My mother wanted to see Easy A at the theater tonight, but I really didn’t want to. I really have absolutely no desire to see any movie before I see the Deathly Hallows movie. I know that’s irrational and lame, but the prospect of seeing anything else right now simply does not appeal to me, even if I wouldn’t have to pay for my ticket. I simply would not enjoy it and it would therefore be a complete waste of my time and money. My mother’s bashing of Harry Potter doesn’t exactly make me want to please her by NOT seeing Harry Potter, either.

So I somehow managed to make the premise of my friends’ party as the excuse for not going to the movies tonight. But I’m likely not going to that party anyway. I don’t really feel like soliciting anyone for a ride anymore… I just feel like a burden, extra baggage. And my friends I think are not in the place to go out of their way to even ask me, not even Liz, which I understand, considering: my moods the last few times we’ve all been together likely hasn’t made anyone feel like going out of their way to make sure I’m there, either. I am also in a situation where I really have little to nothing to contribute to the party. So yeah, I’d just be a mooch, a burden, and I think this is finally wearing on everyone’s patience. In short, I currently have NO redeeming qualities. And that makes me feel cheap. And I don’t want to grovel and beg for attention or company. I’m kind of tired of trying and doing that sort of thing right now. If they don’t want me, they don’t want me. I can hardly blame them anyway. I should just shrug it off and except my losses and move on, like the cold and rational adult I should be.

It’s a shame, too. I think I would’ve been in a better mood tonight if I could have gone, too, because I actually got a job offer today, and the job’s actually a pretty sweet deal. I was also just generally feeling pretty damn swell most of this day, independent and owning my own life and totally nonchalant (easy breezy, divorced from all of the negative emotions that have been plaguing me on and off for the last couple of years, and whatnot), rational and unable to be brought down, even if I was also far from euphoric as well (admittedly). I kind of reached this happy functional whatever numb place, somewhere in the middle. Like, it felt like nothing could touch me, and I could just float on that delicate emotion long enough so that no other emotions could touch me, hurt me.

But then I got home and the room project didn’t go as planned and my mother woke up and everyone started yelling at each other and meanwhile the the hour for my friends’ party loomed near and I realized that I wasn’t actually going and I realized I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep up the happy momentum from my job offer for the rest of the night anyway. I now (and still, in spite of the job offer) feel pretty damn cheap, worthless, and abandoned… and dammit, it’s just a really shitty, crappy, fucked up kind of feeling for ANYONE to have, sensitive or not.

So my plans for the evening, I guess, are going to be house chores, homework, a few eps of Legend of the Seeker, and maybe some Maple Story. Meanwhile in my mind I’m sometimes wildly contemplating just leaving everything behind once I get my car and my independence. You know, start out fresh, and make it so I don’t bother anyone again. The problem with that is… I just fucking care too damn much for my own good. I don’t know how to bring myself to just… let people go. That’s such an incredibly hard thing to do. For some reason I can’t bear the thought of never talking to them again, especially… especially some people…

Yeah, I could REALLY use a pick-me-up right about now… instead I’m stuck with this feeling that’s halfway between wanting to cry out for help and wanting to just silently fade away and disappear.

I’m just going to try not to think about it.

(Hopefully things will be better next year.)

EDIT: So I’m reaching that cold, numb place again. Maybe I could stay here long enough to get through all this and turn my life around and all that jazz. Who knows? We’ll see.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I kind of want to go clubbing sometime in the next few months. I don’t crave it often but it’s been awhile. Hmm. Dunno.

Make a Little Birdhouse in Your Soul

I feel a lot better today.  And that’s even taking into consideration the fact that I woke up at 6:55AM when I had to be at work at 7AM.  And I don’t have a car, and work is an 1 hour 45 five minute walk (50 minute bike ride) or two bus rides away.  So yeah, it’s a bitch.  Luckily, my immediate supervisor for this morning is Allison, and she’s the most understanding of my situation by far. We’ll see.

I really don’t think I can afford to lose my job.  If I lose my job, then I will simply have to move back to my parent’s house, or live on the streets.  Not much else in terms of options.  So I need to be on good behavior.  THIS is NOT good behavior.

*sigh*

Well, that aside, I’m getting more of my shit done.  The house is a bit cleaner, and my financial aid is finally processing.  Today I need to print out the gym cancellation form and go see my academic advisor.  And then, if I’m being a good girl, I’ll be attending a protest and GLAD.  We’ll see how all that goes.

Taa taa!

Love that perfect frown, honest eyes, we outta buy you a Cadillac!

HEY!  Get get get get over it!

i’ve made up my mind, i’m leavin’ this town!

Today, I start moving from the Daffodil House to the Crescent House, up in the town where I work and attend school in.  Sara’s going to come over and help me move boxes and things, because I’m still supposed to let my back rest up for another day.  Once I get situated up there fully, I’m giving my stepfather his car back and I’ll be riding my bike, taking the bus, and carpooling everywhere for the summer, until I have enough saved up for a car.  I wouldn’t be able to do this in my current town, but my college and work town has some degree of public transportation, and I’ll be a twenty minute walk from both the square AND uni, so it’s perfectly doable.  :D

I love my new room.  It’s so much bigger than my current room!  It’s going to be a little tighter financially for awhile, but it’s well worth the independence.  I’m just too old to still be at home, worrying myself sick about my family’s many little issues and affairs.  Today is the day to start spreading my wings to fly!

Back to Life, Back to Reality…

Two days ago, I sprained my back.  When I was loading some measly 16 quart bags of garden soil for this old woman, a bone in my spine popped.  For the rest of the day I was in excruciating pain.  Now I’m just in mildly annoying pain, unless I try to lift something, then I’m in excruciating pain again.  The terrible throbbing in my leg from two days ago is now just a constant dull ache.  So far, I think I’ll make a full recovery shortly.  And I better:  I have to start moving this week into the house with Angela and Sara.

Also?  I am limping horribly.  I am also on restricted duty at work.  That means no bending, stooping, squatting, reaching, and certainly no lifting.  In other words, I’m useless right now at work.  So they have me at the phones.  I’m utterly bored, and yet, we were swamped with customers today, all of whom glared at me with the same exact questions in their eyes, “can’t YOU help?!”

In response to their glares, I started doodling on the scratch paper stacked neatly next to the phone.

I was so utterly bored and helpless and understimulated at work today that I think I need to level up BabaRei again in order to satiate my brain this evening.  Then I’m going to attack that room of mine a little.  After all, my friends, I’m still moving!

On a completely unrelated note, I think I have a crush on my hairstylist.  Maybe it was the husky sound of her voice, or the way she ran her fingers through my hair and across my neck today in a way that was intriguingly sensual… who knows?

I also talked to Sara today, over the phone.  I apologized for my behavior Monday.  I was, on Monday, racked by extreme frustration, anger and guilt.  I was also extremely hormonally imbalanced.

Over the last week, I’ve been thinking about Monday and, well, all the events that have happened since I first met Sara.  The first time we hung out.  The first time we actually admitted we were attracted to each other.  The first time we kissed.  The first time we did more… and more.  And I realized something: this was just one giant fling.  One that is best forgotten.  After all, she has a boyfriend, and I’m just someone to pass the time with.  After all, she has been cheating on him all this time.  I’m the extra person.  I’m the third wheel.  I’m the one who needs to go.

But it’s over now.  I have to move past this, because I can’t keep living in this horrible state of in-between.  We will be friends, good friends.  I’m good friends with Liz now, and I used to be crazy for her, too.  It’s possible.  We’ll be friends, and nothing more unless she makes some really serious decision in the future, one she’ll never make.

And, you know, in a way Sara helped me make this most recent decision.  Over the weekend (though I didn’t notice it at first) she posted this music video to my Facebook:

Sums it all up beautifully.  :)

Now, off to Maple Story!